THERAPY IN MOTION | COUPLES EDITION | VINCE & PARRIS PART THREE

KING OJ BRINGS A SPECIAL EPISODE OF THERAPY IN MOTION AS HE SITS WITH VINCE & PARRIS HOST OF THEIR PODCAST" FOR BETTER OR WORSE AND THEN SOME" HE LEARNS THEIR STORIES AND HOW DIFFERENT THEY WERE WHEN THEY MET. THEY SHARE THEIR INSIGHT ON TRAUMA AND HEALING AND GROWING WHILE SUPPORTING EACH OTHER. THIS IS THE CLUTCHEST EPISODE OF THEM ALL SO LISTEN NOW CAUSE PART TWO WILL BE AMAZING!!!

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

What's the deal? We back with another episode of Therapy in Motion. So tonight we had to do this part three with Vincent Paris. We gotta get down to the questions that they really been waiting on. Um, but we're gonna start off with a wellness check. How y'all feeling tonight? I've been better.

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Man, listen. Y'all tune in for the emergency pod with me and King OJ. Y'all tap into uh I can't even remember our pod right now. For better or worse, and then some. Y'all tap into our pod. We got some boy today. Hey, what you what'd you say last time? Uh this is just more content. Just more content, fresh content out the out the bag. You know what I'm saying? So nah man, we we I'm gonna be honest, man. We're taking it as is today was a crazy day, but yeah, we have been trying to take it as best as we can. Yeah, take it as try, man. You just gotta learn how to push through it. So we go with you, though.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Nah, that's what's up, that's what's up. Well, at least y'all made it through. You feel me? So, you know, we could work with that one. We here for part three. Yeah, let's get to it. So, first question we got for y'all.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

Okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:24

We're gonna do ladies first on this one. Hey, get her.

SPEAKER_03 1:27

No pressure.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

And does Mary Life feel any different from dating? Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

Yeah, you said that was some excitement.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:44

You know, because we were talking about this not that long ago. Just how when you're dating, at least for us, it's like, oh, you go on a date, and then it's hard to say goodbyes are hard, and you can't wait to the day like y'all live together and you get to see each other every day. Right, and then that happens, you like, whoa, this is different. Yeah, you get used to like going to sleep and they there, waking up and they there, but then the stuff that comes with that is completely different than dating. Like you dating, you hang out, you hang out all day, but at some point y'all both go y'all separate ways, so you kind of get that space, yeah. But when you marry, it's almost you gotta figure out how to navigate that.

SPEAKER_01 2:32

Yeah, like you mean like um like navigating um emotions, yeah. Because we we missed each other when we were dating because right we I don't see you till whenever the next date is or whatever. So there's a there's an expectation, there's an excitement, there's a missing type of thing that you feel that once you start living with somebody, you kind of just like I see you every day. Yeah, it kind of dulls the the sensitivity of how much you miss a person when you just can see them.

SPEAKER_03 3:06

Yeah, so I would say, yeah, it's definitely different.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Yeah, um it's definitely different. It's definitely different. Um I think even you know, and I was telling Pears this, like there's a certain like a there's a certain freshness to dating. Every, you know, when you getting to know somebody, y'all going out to a different, you know, especially for me. I was trying to always plan a date, so I'm trying to take her to somewhere new, trying to show her something she ain't ever seen. You know, I'm like, oh man, I'm planning these extra. Then, you know, man, 11 years in, it's like, you want to go to that taco truck or what? Like, we we we we we got our spots now, you know what I'm saying? Like, we have our spots, and so um, it's so different, man, for sure. But I think the biggest thing is the learning curve of how we continuously experience each other. You know, dating was like a snapshot, you know. I get a I get an eight-hour snapshot of you today, and then I might not see you for the rest of the week, right? And then I see you, you know, that next weekend, or and it's a snapshot, or I might get to see you today for a couple hours, so that's a quick four-hour snapshot. And that's just different than being with somebody every day, all day, because if if I'm in a bad mood but she's coming over, I'm trying to hurry up and fix that. Right. So that I don't waste our time together because I want to make sure that I'm at least in a good mood for her, or if she's or if we, you know, maybe we did have uh an argument, you know, on the way there or something. We're you just try to figure that stuff out quickly, right? Because you're trying to save your the time you have. Whereas once you start being married and you're living together, it's like I don't like you right now, and I'm about to hold on to this for the rest of the day. You know, you kind of it's just certain things mentally, you just change your thinking for some reason, but um definitely different for sure.

SPEAKER_00 5:15

Okay, I feel that. So, what is y'all favorite date that y'all have been on before y'all got married and after y'all have been married, and why?

SPEAKER_01 5:29

Okay, coming with haymakers up the cake.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Man, that's why I say part three, we gonna get to it. Yeah, you wanted me to go get to this point at part two. I'm like, nah, y'all gotta wait. They gotta wait and y'all gotta wait.

SPEAKER_01 5:49

Man, heavyweight chamber. Okay. Uh, you wanna go first? Or do you need time to think?

SPEAKER_03 5:56

I need time to think.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Okay, I think I can, I think I can, I think I have them. Um so was the what was the well we we were married when we went to the Pistons game, right?

SPEAKER_03 6:09

Yes, that was anniversary date.

SPEAKER_01 6:11

Okay, so I'm gonna say that one. So before dating, um before dating. Mmm, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_03 6:21

Before dating, it's so many.

SPEAKER_01 6:23

Yeah, it's it's a lot. I'm trying to narrow them down. I think before before we got married, when we were dating, our our our one of my favorite dates we went on um was we went to and it's crazy because it's it's sort of a I guess it's sort of a sad story, but it's really but it's not, but it is it's just had an in like hindsight, I guess when you look and listen to it. But we I took we went to Zap Zone. Oh man. And um man, we had a good time. You know, we played, you know, you know, glow in the dark golf, and um, you know, it was arcade, so we did all that stuff. We had a great, great, great time. Um, but the reason also why it's one of my favorite dates is that at that time, um her mom wasn't too keen on her dropping me off at home. Her mom was being very tight about that, and so um my ride wasn't coming to get me for like a minute, and so they started closing down to the point like the zap zone sign didn't shut off. Like, dude, like, and I was just dark, you know what I'm saying, in the parking lot, and I'm like, sheesh, you know what I'm saying? And she like, get your ride, girl. And I'm like, not right now. So she ended up waiting with me, man, the whole time until her ride came. And of course, she got a little backlash for even staying out past the time she was supposed to. I was cutting it close for curfew, but I stayed as long as I could. And I think you stayed long enough to when they came. Because I don't recall having to be out there by myself. So okay.

SPEAKER_03 8:13

Um, and so you know, uh, that was one of my place is only like 15, 20 minutes from where I live, or 10, 15 minutes, not even 15 minutes, but probably 10. I'm like, but they riding out here. I'm literally 10 minutes away.

SPEAKER_01 8:30

Like, yeah. So, but it's one of my favorite days because one, we had a really, really good time, man. But then also just those was one of those moments in dating when I just I recognized how much she was riding with me. I was like, man, like she really can easily kind of serve herself in this moment. Be like, man, I'm not trying to get in trouble, so I gotta go. You know what I'm saying? Or she can just be like, ah, you know, good luck, you a man. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, for her to just be like, no, I'm gonna go. She stood on her own principle in that moment. And I kind of was like, wow, like most people who have opposition, whether it's parents or anything else, would would choose the higher road of not getting in, dealing with conflict. And for her to want to be willing to push that thread for my my safety was just like, man, that's super, super dope. Like, I can't really um I saw that showed a lot about her character while we were dating. That made me just be like, okay, you know what I'm saying? Um, and then when we were married, um, geez, man, that's a toss up. We got a lot of great trips, I'm not gonna lie. Um, I will, man, my favorite.

SPEAKER_00 9:50

Man, you can't say one, two, and three. It's just one. Man, I wanted to throw.

SPEAKER_01 9:56

I I really sang. I wanted to throw the Pistons game because she took me to the Kobe's last game at the Auburn Hills. You know what I'm saying? But his last game in Auburn Hills, she bought me a jersey and a hat and everything, man. Um, but I really think my favorite trip was actually for it was actually for her birthday. We went to Indiana. Um, and we went to uh this place called Sybaris. And um, if you if anybody listening ever heard of Sybaris, you you know Sybaris is uh place of places.

SPEAKER_03 10:39

A place of joy and wonder.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

But it was something it was it was such a dope vacation we had took because like we had like so with Sybaris, we had a condo, basically, or a ranch style home, and inside we had our own full-size pool, a sauna, um, a big old bathroom, big old shower, big old bedroom. It had lights going through it, it was like see-through glass, so you could look at the pool and all type. It was just had speakers, music, TV, fireplace, a massage chair in the room. Like, it was dope. It was dope, and we was there for like three nights, and um, I mean, it was just the ultimate like relaxation, get away type of just be unto ourselves type of place, and then um, you know, we got to go visit our friends in Indiana, um, which was a surprise for her again, and so then we had an Airbnb there, and our Airbnb was dope. So it was just like this really great road trip we took, man, and we just had a blast. Like that to me is one that just if we could do that again, sheesh.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

So wait in a heartbeat. With this pool, this wasn't Uncle Elroy's pool, was it? Nah. Nah.

SPEAKER_01 12:02

This boy was top-tier pool. Had uh, I mean, full-size pool with like an indoor like section, like you could walk around the whole pool, had like a little mural on the wall. They claiming they came and cleaned out the pool every day, so that was a good thing. Man, but fire, man, fireplace. You could play music inside the room with the pool, man. It was dope.

SPEAKER_00 12:26

I had the jacuzzi. Hey, dope. I ain't gonna lie, that's good that they cleaned out your pool every night. Because sure. I got one out there too, right? Now I ain't gonna lie, I wasn't boiling like you was. I ain't had no pool. I had I had the hot tub. Right, right, right. We did get free dirt in that hot tub. So yeah, they uh it was it was booty flakes all in that hot tub. So they came up with that pool. I was like, I might want to drain it twice. Man, so lights all this boy down, yeah. But yeah, massage chair that was in the room. That was dope. The overall experience. Yeah, it's a dope place, man.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

It's is it's one of those things if you at least gotta experience it once. At least, yeah, even if you go do it, you gotta go there at least once.

SPEAKER_00 13:23

Facts, and then it's completely different than the hotel because it's complete quiet, right? Like you, it's like you in a plus a plush uh psych ward.

SPEAKER_01 13:35

Yeah, it's like it's very like to yourself. Like, yeah, it's like you in a private gated community, you know what I'm saying? And like you say, it was quiet, man. The only time we heard something was our the people next door. Man, they was bumping the RKLs and everything. We was like the greatest hits or something. Yeah, we was we was outside on our little porch and the bench, yeah. Just their music was loud. Nah. I was like, damn, they gotta do it. But other than that, it was man, super, super dope place. So it was real. That was one of my favorites, man. That's that's definitely my favorite.

SPEAKER_03 14:12

Okay, so my turn. Uh when we were dating, I would say my favorite date was we were at a convention with our church and we were in Chicago. Hey, and one of the days, I didn't know, but Vince had planned like a special like trip for us to go to like these different places on our like off time or break time that particular day. And we went to like the museum, and then we got to see like the mosaic art pieces, and then I love Christmas, and they had like a Christmas tree display, so it was like a bunch of different like Christmas trees that we got to go go look at, and then it was something else, like we just took a bunch of pictures from every place we went. But the reason I like that date so much was because again, it just showed me how intentional uh he is and just how thoughtful he is because again, we already had stuff to do through the convention, but he went the extra mile and he was researching stuff and trying to see how close it was to the hotel we were at and trying to figure out the best route for us to walk. And again, he was considering our my safety and us being safe, so he's like, we gotta go at this time so we can get back at this time. Like he had it all planned, figured out. I literally was just following him, so I'm like, okay, well, this is great, a great display of his leadership and planning.

SPEAKER_01 15:48

Nice, nice.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

That's why that was my favorite date. It was a lot of fun, but again, you pick up stuff.

SPEAKER_01 15:55

Hey, listen, we was in Chicago. I was like, we gotta get back to this hotel before it's too late. All right. I don't know nothing about Chicago to know if we go be good just because we downtown. Right. This is still Shirak to me, and right, right, right.

SPEAKER_03 16:10

I ain't trying to be out here. We was we were close enough to the Navy pier where we could walk and just look at all the different stuff they had at the Navy.

SPEAKER_01 16:19

Yeah, it was winter too. It was it was around Christmas, yeah. So, but it was it's just you know, that was one of those things of like we had stuff to do at the convention, but it's like, man, we in Chicago, right? We've never been to Chicago, either one of us was like, I don't have a car, you don't have a car. We rode here on the on the church bus, but it's like we go find a way to try to and and take in some of the Chicago. Right, right. So most of the people at the convention, they just stayed at the hotel. They stayed in the little rooms for the uh all the stuff for the convention, and then they leave. I'm like, I'm not about, hey, we about to take a whole half a day, full day off and go see Chicago, you know what I'm saying? And even if we going right up the street right there, we about to get outside this whole thing. So luckily, like she said, we were right up the street from Navy Pier, and we walked down there, walked through the whole Navy Pier mall, saw some great things, and shot back. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:23

Uh I'm trying to think. The next one. So after we got married, yeah, my favorite, I don't know if it's a date, but trip was when we would go up north. I just was thinking that. Go ahead. We went up north because uh some friends of ours, they had like a they owned two pieces of property like right next door to each other. So they let us stay in the other one that they own. But it like he talked about it well, like Sybaris, as far as it wasn't set up like that, but it was just nice to be out in nature. Like we were up north in the cabin. They had Wi-Fi here and there, but for the most part, it's like we had to look at stuff on our phone, like it wasn't in the actual place we were staying. They had a TV, but it was like the old TV with the big the fat back. We had to bring DVDs, yeah. We was watching DVDs, like they didn't have cable, local TV, network that vent that built in DVD into the TV.

SPEAKER_00 18:27

Yes, yes, I ain't seen one of them since I don't know when. That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 18:33

We was up north north, yeah, yeah. You know, and and and you know, rest in peace to Tim and Jackie, they both have passed on. They were they were an older couple, they were older white couple. Older white couple. We met them. We met them, so I did a music tour when I was on tour. I went up north to this one church uh and we was up there touring for about uh four or five days, and the lady that at the church that was making our lunches for us every day was this lady named Jackie. One of the guys who was helping us coordinate the event was this old man named Tim. So come to find out halfway through the strip, they're really close, and we kind of like, is Tim and Jackie talking? Because we just young and we nosy. So we're like, are these old people flirting? So um, loo and behold, yeah, they ended up their youth group, you know, that we were performing for, they kind of they knew the ends and stuff. So eventually it came out that uh Tim and Jackie were a couple, they were a thing. And so Tim and I got really close. He was a great, just I mean, great guy, man. Older guy, like I said, he was in his 60s, yeah, 60s and stuff, maybe late mid 60s, late 60s, but older man would just always had a you know kind spirit and stuff like that. And I really took to him and we really bonded, and um, our anniversary was coming around, and I remember just saying, like, hey Tim man, you know, um, I remember, oh, Tim and Jack ended up getting married um around the time we got engaged. Around the time we got engaged, and so they invited us to the wedding, and we both got off work, drove all the way three and a half hours, all the way up north, um, to Mayo, Michigan, which is literally the woods. Um, like past Traverse City, like it's a wood wood, like you spend 45 minutes just driving down a road of tree, like it's just wood. Um, but we drove three and a half hours, got off work, drove straight to their wedding, made it in time. Um no, I'm sorry, that was when they that was we went to their wedding, we made that in I think it was like a weekend or something. Yeah, it was a weekend. We made that on time, actually. Yeah, went to the wedding. Um, they did not think they invited us, but they were like, you know, being nice, but they didn't think we'd make it. But we we really rocked with them. So um while we were there, Tim was like, man, you guys should come up anytime, man, any weekend, y'all want to come up. And we was like, okay, and sure enough, the anniversary came around. I reached out to Tim and was like, hey, you think we can come to the cabin? And he was like, Yeah. So they opened up their cabin to us, and um, like she said, it was old, it was very old school stuff in there. Very, you know, it's up north, they not super tech savvy up there. Simple living. Very simple living. Like stuff closed at 6 p.m., stores closed, everything.

SPEAKER_03 21:36

You gotta hot spot is the McDonald's in town.

SPEAKER_01 21:39

Yes, their McDonald's is like that's the spot. That's the spot. Like McDonald's, us is like whatever. To them, they like cars up at the McDonald's.

SPEAKER_03 21:50

So they they they you know, they had a everything else you gotta drive out, like first run area if you wanna go anything, go to the movies, stuff.

SPEAKER_01 22:00

Drive an hour away to do any kind of city shopping restaurants, and then you gotta drive an hour back to back to the small town that they're in. So you gotta get in before it gets dark because again, we're in the dark. It's in the woods, there's no streetlights. There's no there's no there's none of that. Like, not even like, oh, it's a couple and then no, it's just none. Like, so you gotta definitely get back in the deaf time. So we racing the sun, like well, you know what I'm saying? So but again, it's a simple living up there, man. The Amish live up there, you know what I'm saying? Like, you see people riding their horses, Amish people full beard. Like, so carriages going down the road. Yeah, so we um Tim and Jackie let us come up there multiple times, at least two, three times. Yeah. Um, during the summer, Tim would throw a fire in his fire pit, and we'd sit, you know, us two and Jackie and Tim, and they'd make s'mores, and we just listened to the fire. They would just sit there, like you would think, oh, we gotta talk about something. Man, Tim and Jackie would just sit there and just in silence, take it in. Right off the lake. You see an otter swimming by every night, and he's swimming every morning. You hear the fish. It was just very simple, man, but it was beautiful, yeah, yeah, very different, very calming, man. And so um uh Tim passed, um, and we went, that's when we went, got off work, went straight to the funeral, made it at the very last 12 minutes of the funeral. Like they were closing up and stuff, they were wrapping up, but um, got a chance to say our byes to Tim, man, gave Jackie our love, and then about um a year or so after uh Jackie passed and stuff like that. So, shout out to uh Tim and Jackie, man. Great old couple, man, who through those moments of letting us come stay at their cabin, man, gave us experiences that we we would have never had as a couple.

SPEAKER_03 23:51

So that was my favorite. Yeah, that's a good one.

SPEAKER_00 23:57

Okay. Um what's something that y'all learned about each other that changed like that helped you have or that made you have a different outlook on life as well as learning about each other and something that you learned about yourself? Man, like just over the years of just collecting all these memories, right? What have y'all learned about yourselves, each other's, and just your outlook on life now? Um and also wait hold up, hold on, quadruple question. Yeah, cuz how did y'all think beforehand? So, what was your mindset beforehand then as y'all learned?

SPEAKER_01 24:54

Okay, um I would say beforehand, I used to think, and it's no fault of her own. I used to think Paris was very sheltered to a an extent of like I looked at it like a handicap almost.

SPEAKER_03 25:16

Handicap. Like I'm sitting here like, okay, okay, I guess you said no, like handicapped.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Like I just there was there was a lot about her that I I I judged secretly. No, it wasn't no secret, but Jesus. I mean, maybe you felt it, but I'm saying, like, I never just was saying this.

SPEAKER_03 25:37

It was like handicapped level. I just I could feel the bias, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 25:42

I definitely felt like I was just like, ah, she, you know, I felt like I was taking on something. You know what I'm saying? Because of the fact she's been so because she was so sheltered. Yeah, I was just like, man, oh, God, well, you know. Oh my gosh. But I think I've learned like one, obviously not true, but I think I've learned like just how resourceful, capable, able, like, how how in the mud she is with me, you know what I'm saying? How she's so resistant resistant to, not resistant, but um resilient to um a lot of the storms we face. Like, she she's definitely showed me where her muscles at, you know what I'm saying? And I think in the earlier stages before we got married, and even when we first got married, I kind of doubted those things. I was kind of like, uh, this, I'm gonna have to, you know, really show her or help her to get through, you know, and and and again, to her credit, she has shown like she has the mental fortitude, the spiritual fortitude, the emotional fortitude to handle a lot more than I gave her credit for. Right. You know what I'm saying? And um, and in in many ways, more than sometimes I had the capacity for that I thought I would have had it for. You know what I'm saying? Um, and I think that, you know, in that even though it it showed me about myself that um there were things that I thought I wanted, or I thought I I was going to have to do as a partner, or things that I thought I wanted in a partner that eventually I kind of was like, oh that's that's not that's not that's unnecessary, you know what I'm saying? Like, um because again, one of the things I've and I've expressed this to her is one of the things that one of the things that's truly hard about loving somebody is you have to love them for who they are completely without the idea of what they might be, what they can be, what you want them to be, like out what you don't like about them that you hope changes, like you have to love them for the flaws that's currently there, the flaws that may be coming down the road, the good things that's there about them now, the good things that won't be there later. Like, you truly have to love an evolving person, and somebody who's constantly changing right in front of your eyes, and you have to constantly shift the playbook to be like, Oh, I loved you for these things, now I'm loving you for these things, oh, I'm loving you for these reasons, I'm loving you for these reasons, and truly accepting that person as they grow and evolve. And I think she's helped me to see like I wasn't totally aware of that. I I thought I loved her for who she was, and then I think I've come to understand like I was loving her for who I was hoping her to be, but also who I was hoping her to be in my eye, and not who I was hoping her to be for her. Like, I was like, Oh, when you get to this place, you know what I'm saying? And instead, it's like, bro, I I have to love her for where she is, and then wherever she decides to go in her growth journey, you know what I'm saying? And um, so I think that's that's my thing.

SPEAKER_03 29:10

Wow. Um you did that effortlessly. Uh before I go into my specific, I'ma just agree with you on that. That's something that I also had to learn throughout this journey of us. Don't be copycat. No, this is the only part I'm gonna copycat. Okay. That's why I'm hitting it first. Right. Because that's how you end it, that's how I'm gonna start. But I agree with that point as far as like having to learn how to love you where you are, how you are, and then as you grow, like in the versions that come with that. Right.

SPEAKER_01 29:51

The versions? How many updates and downloads a lot? You have quite a few.

SPEAKER_03 29:58

Because you're you are an artist, you're creative. There's always evolving going on more than the most. And that's not a bad thing, but I'm just saying, like, yeah, okay, we was doing photos, now you're doing videos. Oh snap, now we're doing YouTube videos, oh snap, now you're doing series and shows and you're always evolving. For sure. And that's not a bad thing, but it it keeps it interesting, for sure. Keeps me on my toes, and in that I had to learn how to pivot. So the here we go. See how I say way? I see, I see you because I'm more of like structure, um, repetition. Right. And I'm thinking, okay, that's the only like way I can be, or that's how it has to be, and it's not true. Like, I can pivot. There's nothing wrong with pivoting, being flexible. It's actually very helpful, very useful to be able to again have that muscle to flex when the time calls for it. Um, I think another thing that I before knowing you and marrying you was like just I thought I was a good friend, but not and as I got to know you, I'm like, oh, this man is an awesome friend. Like, I said, I suck at being a friend. I'm terrible. I think like how you maintain relationships in general. Like, I was like, man, I need to do better. I'm not, I am lacking four years. And then it wasn't until he was like, Well, do you call such and such? I was like, No, I'm like, we catch up every now and then. He was like, You don't even call? I'm like, no, what do you see? I'm like, I don't have to do that because we just pick up where we left off.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

He was like, Yeah, you need to do better, like you need to be checking in on them. Man, Paris is the kind of friend, like, she will call you on your birthday, and then you not hearing from her till Christmas. But she's still gonna be like, hey girl. It's like, who you think rocking with you talking to you once every eight months? I'll be like, get your lake your cell phone. I done talked to 17 other people since I'm like, girl, when's the last time y'all hung out? I think it was July, I don't know 22, like 22, girl. We had 26.

SPEAKER_02 32:27

What is this all about?

SPEAKER_01 32:29

But that was I and but again, you know, that's so funny because again, she would just be with me and she would just see like my phone don't stop ringing because I'm constantly I'm talking to people, I'm checking in, hey, what's going on? You know, and OJ, you know how we done stayed in touch for years, bro. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She just sees like I'm very diligent about making sure that the people in my life know that I want, I'm there for them, and I care for them, and that it's not, I'm just not when I tell people I'm their friend, it's not just, and I guess maybe because I didn't have siblings growing up, my friends are my siblings to me. You know, I treat my friends like siblings. So I check in, I check on like that person is my sibling.

SPEAKER_03 33:10

He's going out to support, he's driving here, he's driving over there. Yeah. Again, like, again, if they he picking people up, taking them to work, picking them up from work. Like, he's just yeah, and I was like, that's awesome. And again, it was just like to me, that's not a natural like way of thinking or living. But I know you mentioned how your mom did that too. And just how growing up, you got to see like her doing that as an example. And I was like, man, that's awesome!

SPEAKER_01 33:38

Like, yeah, my mom was like that, man. She would just, and and it's funny now because she does what I guess when what she was doing was what you were doing, the once a year. You know what I'm saying? But my mom, my mom would do this world tour, man. Like, and it would be maybe I'll give it like I'll give her two, three times out the year, you know. But it was all right, yeah. She would do this world tour where 7 a.m. to 1 a.m. in the morning, like we didn't got up at 7, and from that point until like one in the morning, we didn't visit 20 people. She just going house to house. She'd go sit with somebody who she ain't seen since last year. And she had just because these were her either her childhood friends, people she worked with, like way back in the day, people who was cool with somebody who, you know, maybe she was cool with the daughter, but then the daughter didn't pass, so she still check on the mom and them, you know what I'm saying? But my mom would just go and we'd go to random people's houses. I'm a kid, I don't know these people. You know what I'm saying? And but they know me because obviously they I they've known since I was a baby. So but my mom would be at these people's house. Hey, how y'all doing? Good to see y'all. You know, we sit with them for about an hour, hour and a half, two hours. They catch my mama up, girl, this thing happened, you know, so-and-so died, you know, so-and-so working here, so-and-so. My mom and then we gotta go. And we get in the car, we go to the next house, and she would do this for a whole day's worth, man. And it just showed me, like, though my mom had friends who I knew were her close friends. Right, right, right. People who she hung out with like every other day, you know what I'm saying? She still made time for the people of her past who she just either she grew apart from them, she became a little bit more successful than them, she wasn't on a level no more, but she always still made time for them because they were people who were important to her. And I think that just taught me the value of relationships with people. Right, right, right. You know what I'm saying? And so I think that's what she witnessed in my life.

SPEAKER_03 35:39

So yeah, because I I would say for the most part, it's not that I didn't have friends, but it was really like limited or like isolated even. So, like, there's still people, again, like you met some of the people I went to high school with, college with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And again, it wasn't like an everyday thing, like some of those relationships didn't even flourish until like I just happened to bump into them after high school, and I bumped into them in college, and then we kind of grew the friendship there. But again, just because they remember I was a decent person, I remember they were cool, we were kind of building off the grounds of that.

SPEAKER_01 36:16

For sure.

SPEAKER_03 36:17

But ultimately, yeah, it was just very like isolated, or like I was just like, I don't know how to do this. I'm just gonna, hey, good to see you in class. We ain't in class, all right. I'm gone. Yeah, I'm at home doing work, doing other stuff, but yeah, it was like also proximity, like you don't even let that be a deterrent from keeping a relationship thriving.

SPEAKER_01 36:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Proximity, like I think consistency is key, and I think how you treat your friends even says a lot about how you treat your partner. Because whoops, if well, you were my friend first, so uh thank goodness for that, I guess.

SPEAKER_03 36:57

You was my friend first.

SPEAKER_01 36:59

Hey, yo, I should have saw the red flags. Oh man. But I think it says a lot because again, like I tell her all the time, it's sacrifice, man. You know, it's the same thing with you know with with bro, like the sacrifice of anything. Like, if I if I can't sacrifice for you, how can I really call you a friend? You know, like I said on that one first. You know, so uh I just be like, man, if they if somebody needs me or you know, somebody's doing something great and I want to support, what is it to cost me whatever to get into your show to come see you? Or what is it to drive, you know, however long? My homeboy from Ohio comes down to record music with me. Um, and there's plenty of times when he needed a ride back home. He stayed in Cleveland three and a half hours. I'm like, I take you home. He like, bro, it's Cleveland. You my man, you need a way home. I got you. Like, what is it this what I that I can't sacrifice? Like, if if it if not for the love of our friendship, you know what I'm saying? So I always think that, you know, and again, parents have shown me uh or helped me to understand, like, there's a limit, you know what I'm saying, to which yeah, I think you're doing it too much, you know what I'm saying? But um, but at the same token, I think it's vice versa, where I've shown her, like, in order to really have something flourish, you gotta be willing to put, you gotta be willing to put your stake into it too.

SPEAKER_03 38:23

And yeah, even though I I'm to this day, I'm not at that level. I still have a lot of improving and growing to do. Uh-huh. I've become supportive of that aspect though. For me and for your level of involvement, again, that you have with all the people like you're in connect connected with because I understand the importance of it and how critical those moments are, just not for you, but for the people you're connected to.

SPEAKER_01 38:52

For sure.

SPEAKER_03 38:53

It seems like in the grand scheme of things, it makes the difference. It makes the difference.

SPEAKER_01 38:58

Oh, yeah, man. You never know, like, and and and I use bro as an example, like, there's never a time that I don't think bro knows that we locked in, like, we locked in. That's my man. You know what I'm saying? So he knows there's not a phone call I don't I won't answer. Right, right. But in the same token, he knows there's nothing I won't do for him. And there may be a time where I may be in need. I'm hey bro, I may be down. I need 10, I need 20, I need something. Can you help? And bro, maybe, I got you, because he knows the line of loyalty that I've shown. Can be like, oh bro, got bro that did this for me, bro to help me here, bro. How can I not? You know what I'm saying? And that can be the difference between being able to get out of a tough position or not. Is do you have people around you who you who you lock in with who say, I got you?

SPEAKER_03 39:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:52

And if you haven't poured into that relationship, when you in need, that's why it's always when you in need, you start thinking like, who can I call? You know what I'm saying? So it's like, yeah, um, I think Janikan said, uh get jammed up and you will find out who your fam is. Like, and that always stuck with me to be like, man, if I'm ever in a pinch financially, whatever the I don't even think about the situation, but I always say, if I ever needed to grab my phone and say, who can I call in this moment? Yeah, relationships are going to be important to know who I can call. Because if I haven't invested into somebody and shown genuine love to somebody, when I need that back, or when I need to call on that favor or call on that thing, I don't need to, I want to have people who who don't even think twice because they know Vince has either done it for me first or he would if I I wouldn't even have to worry about, oh man, if I get bro this, he ain't ego. They already know my character to be like, oh bro. Right, right. That's somebody I can trust with with anything I got, bro. Because he's gonna have me back no matter if I need him tomorrow or 10 years from now, I'm gonna have so that's why I invest in my relationships because I believe that's important to show. Because you never, you just never know who you go need. And uh real friends, that so that I can teach you that. Look at that.

SPEAKER_00 41:11

Yeah, all right, bet. So um we know that a lot of people be trying to just hop in relationships and all of that. So or hey, uh hop into marriages too. That's it. So but what's one thing, what's one misconception y'all think people have about marriages and just relationships in general? You have a lot.

SPEAKER_03 41:42

What as far as like previous conversations that you brought it up?

SPEAKER_01 41:47

Uh huh.

SPEAKER_03 41:48

Oh yeah, oh that's true. Um as far as marriage, a misconception for marriage. Um and I okay, the reason I'm a bringing. Yeah, for me. Um, that there's a misconception that marriage is going to solve like you not being happy or fulfilled, like you, that's not true. Marriage is not going to solve you being unhappy. Yeah, marriage is not going to solve you trying to figure out your purpose, at least not fully. Marriage is not going to make you whole. You really have to do the work to work through all the trauma, figure all that out before you get married. Because if anything, marriage is almost like a promotion, it's just adding on to. But again, if you don't have that stuff figured out, sorted out, it will take away from. Yeah. Um, because again, when you get married, like an example I've heard used is okay, it's like a mirror. So if anything, vents is a mirror for me to see, okay, well, yeah, you need to work more on this, you need to work more on that. So again, if I'm coming in it and I have not worked on any, it's gonna be even harder, more difficult to receive what you're telling me. It's one thing if I let's say, okay, well, we should yeah, you probably should work on this, but I was already working on it before we got married. It's not gonna be as like world-altering or you know, shaking to me when you're telling me that. Oh, you know what, yeah, I dealt with that in the past, I did this, that, and the other to work with it. I see what you're saying. Some of it's still there, let me get back to it. Yeah. Versus again, I'm hearing this for the first time. I'm like, what you talking about? That don't make sense. And that happened a lot for us in the beginning. You'd be like, Well, Booski, you should probably and I'm like, wait a minute now, I'm good. I came to this table, I came to this union, good. It's like, no, that's the misconception. I'm good. I'm good.

SPEAKER_01 44:02

Oh, sure.

SPEAKER_03 44:04

Because marriage is like you you quickly was like, no, no, no, no, that's not. You need to work on that. So I would say that's the miscon uh misconception of marriage. It's just thinking like it'll solve like your problems. No, you you still have to do the work, like self-work. Yeah. Uh when you get married. As far as like relationships, hmm. Trying to think.

SPEAKER_00 44:30

And that could be any kind of relationship. Like family, friends, you know, spouse.

SPEAKER_03 44:40

A misconception about relationships. Um trying to think. I think again that relationships are supposed to be easy. I think that's a misconception. I think marriage or not. All relationships take work. Like you, you like he was just saying, you have to take make the sacrifices, you gotta be willing to invest the time, invest the effort, you know, to maintain those things. Like it can't be one-sided or it shouldn't be one-sided, but again, I don't think relationships, whether it's family, friend, like it's not easy. Yeah, and it's it's not meant to be easy. Like sometimes, you know, it's gonna be a stretch, or you're gonna be out your comfort zone, or like you said, the sacrifices you have to make sometimes. It's not about you mentioning every single time you're with that person. Like, every time, man, I gotta you, but it's just relationships are hard, I would say, in general. It's work. But I think the things you gain and the benefits that come from that work and invest in that time in the long run is worth it, I think.

SPEAKER_01 45:59

I think, yeah, I feel messed with what I think. I feel no, I agree. I think um, well, with relationships, um I think the misconception with any relationship is that um you don't have uh no accountability to the health of that relationship. You know, if a relationship is bad, you have to look at the part you played as well. That's a good one. You know what I'm saying? Like a lot of times we we can ultimately somebody can carry more weight of the problem, but we all play a role in why a relationship isn't working in some form or fashion, whether it's I was too stubborn to want to make it work, even though you're the person that probably did something wrong, I can be too stubborn to forgive. I and I could just keep holding up the process of us making amends because I'm still I'm still stuck on what you did, and that's also a problem. So it's like we all can have um something to to we all play a role in relationships and the health of that relationship. Um and marriage, I think one of the the the biggest um more common things we see misconceptions is that you can just quit. I think people get married and then they think the they think that the terms and conditions of marriage are the same as a relationship. If you're in a relationship, your terms and conditions say we can wrap this up whenever we both feel like this ain't working. In marriage, you don't get that. The terms and conditions are very different in marriage than in dating. And so people get married and then they think, well, I ain't I ain't feeling it, so I'm out. Yeah, and it's like that's not the same terms and conditions. Metro may let you cancel your plan any day of the week. ATT says we need 90 days notice, like you know what I'm saying? Like, terms and conditions is different, so I just you know, I see people they they get married, and then all of a sudden, because it's not, it requires more, it it demands more, it the sacrifice goes up, every you go down, like people just feel like oh well, see, this ain't what I signed up for. I'm out, and it's like you don't get to do that, you don't get to do that, like and and and I say that as a person, I've had times where I was like, I won't out, and God has plenty of times just been like go back in there, you know what I'm saying? Like, because the times and conditions are different, so I think that people, especially with the rate of divorces, with the rates of uh everybody, you know, ladies in a a bad B era, fellas in a uh uh red peel era, like man, there's so much division in marriage where people are just checking out, and it's like I don't think people recognize you don't get to check out, you can choose to, but the long the the damage is so much deeper on a personal, spiritual, mental, emotional level that you might not even recognize for years to come, but there's a cost for just walking out early. It's like a job. I get off at 11, there's a cost for me leaving at nine. If I'm just like, yeah, you know, I'm out, I'm going home early. There's a cost for that. It's called fire, you know what I'm saying? So like there's a there's a punishment for all of that, man. And people don't recognize that. Um, people think they're in control of what the consequence is, um, or they just don't care enough. But I think that's a huge misconception that people think that they can go into marriage and treat it with the same mindset and conditions that they did when they were dating that person.

SPEAKER_00 50:08

Alright, um, so Pete this question is for you Do you think you can have a healthy relationship with no boundaries?

SPEAKER_03 50:19

No, and I learned that the hard way, I learned that the hard way. Um because like he just said, both people, you have to be accountable for the health of that relationship, and I think that also would include having boundaries. Um I think, and like he said, he there for his friends. You call me, you need me. You call me, you need me. And I think that's something early on we kind of had to establish boundaries for because for the health of our marriage, for sure, it's like okay, I'm not saying I'm not giving you the ultimatum of saying this be over there. Because again, I'm your wife. It's it's a it's a given. But what I'm saying is like, what's the boundaries? So it's like, okay, at this time, I'm not available. Hey, you're gonna have to follow up with me tomorrow. Like, what is it just emergencies? Like, what together we need to come up with what is acceptable, where it works for you and it works for me. Right. Because ultimately it could cause issues in our marriage where it's like, okay, it can start to feel like you're not prioritizing. So now I'm in a situation where I don't feel, you know, like safe or thought of or accounted for because you're going to anybody who calls. Right. So again, it's like, no, I don't think you can have a healthy relationship without boundaries just because, again, each person, there's they're not being considered to a certain extent, and that can lead to again bigger issues, bigger problems.

SPEAKER_01 52:05

Right. True, true, true. I think um, even with that, it's like learning how to um do that in a way where it's like I would tell her, like, you're right, you know, I'm I'm only gonna take phone calls after a certain time. After that, I'll probably catch that person tomorrow. You know, I can I'll take visitations up to a certain time, and after that, I'm gonna catch on tomorrow. Like, even just communicating different things if I'm having a session or anything, you know, recording session and letting her know, like, look, they're gonna be here till this time, from this time to this time, you know, if it runs over something like, but just like she said, just those things, boundaries are super important. Um, and I think having the same boundaries together is even more important. Not just like separate boundaries where like I need to have boundaries for this and you have boundaries for that, but like ones that we share, like we both agree. Hey, if we're on a date, like no phones, we ain't doing phones like that, you know what I'm saying? Or if we on vacation, like we not doing phones like that. We take quick calls, but like all that, you know, um, again, you know, love, love for family. You know, we don't want to start, you know, for such sad company and people. Ah, sad company and people, uh, you know, they man, we every day, how's the weather? Listen, y'all gonna find out when we get back. Y'all gonna find out what the weather was when we get back. You don't have to call every day and ask that. What y'all doing today? You'll see on social media when we posted what we did. Because it's just the again, boundaries of like this is our time as a family. Like, we can't let people interfere with that, however. Or we can't allow people to think that there's no sanctity, sanctity in some of the things we have. So when we're on vacation, it's like, bro, that this is this is sacred. This is a this is our family time we've put to our our money and time towards. Let us make other people respect that. Instead of just thinking, like, oh okay, this is cool, like, no, like, hey, if you know we're on vacation, we we then you know there's a limit to how much you can get access to us, right? And we have to enforce that, or um, or whatever the case may be. So, same thing with our home, you know what I'm saying? Boundaries about who we let in our home, at what time we let people in our home, like all that stuff is it's shared boundaries that we've talked we've agreed on. Um, because like I've always told her, our home is our is our peace. So if it's people that don't respect that peace, or it's people that we feel like will come with issues, we don't come. We will meet you outside our home. But I always tell her when you let negative energy into the home like that, that's like allowing somebody to come in and just throw up on your front and leave it. You know what I'm saying? And why would you want that that smell of that energy in the house? Why would you want those things? Or um, or even protecting each other, you know what I'm saying? That sometimes even boundaries that we make sure we share, as far as like if I feel like she's doing too much, I didn't say, hey, hey, babe, you're not going over there, you're not doing this, stay home. Like, you know, there's times, even with her job, I've had to tell her, like, stay home. But the job is, baby. I I'm telling you, I'm setting this boundary for you as your partner, and I'm saying, stay home. Or don't do this. Hey, we're not going over there. We don't have the money for this, we're not about to try to entertain this. Tell them we're not coming. You know what I'm saying? Like, and we have those shared boundaries that we even protect each other to say, like, sometimes when we can't see it, to be like, hey, hey, pay attention. We can't do that. You know what I'm saying? And so, um, I think having boundaries is important for sure, and even just being able to have ones that y'all both stand on together.

SPEAKER_00 56:18

Okay. All right, so Vince, we're gonna keep it with you. Okay. How important is it to protect your partner's peace in the midst of turmoil between the two of you? Ooh, I don't even know if I can.

SPEAKER_01 56:34

I'm I am the turnmoil.

SPEAKER_00 56:37

I am the turnmoil. No, but that's what I mean though. If it's like y'all, you know what I'm saying? If it's in a time of where the head button matches, for sure. It's like, how important is it to in those moments to hold your dog on the leash. Yeah, for sure. You know, you know what type of damage you could do. How important to okay then super important.

SPEAKER_01 57:04

I mean, not easy, not easy, right? Not easy, and I think I have more in the lost column than I do in the win column. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna be real, yeah. Um, but man, very important, very, very important, like to know yourself in that moment. Prime example, I uh we were we were getting into it one time, man. And I I felt like the the the energy in me shifting. I was and parents knows like with her, I I don't I know her history, I know her past, and I just know my wife is very sensitive, so I try not to even engage in being like outwardly angry towards her because I know how that affects her. So I try to a lot of times keep that on the inside or deal with the processing before I have to communicate it because for her, that the way I'm gonna communicate it is going to be hugely important to even her stability. So um a lot of times I'm checking that, but in this case, I'm trying to remember. Boy, what boy, hey, can I hit this bruh button? Bruh, bruh. Listen, I was I I just felt myself slipping, DMX slipping and falling. I can't get up. Like it was like, I was like, there's no protecting, there's no protecting the piece here. Like I was I was ready to go home. And I remember in the moment where like my mind switched. And um, for all intents and purposes, I was like, you got me effed up. Like, and I like and and I've I don't even care to tell you. I don't cuss at her, I don't yell at her. In that moment, bro, like that's one of the boundaries.

SPEAKER_03 58:57

I I did tell them that early on, like, listen, when I was a kid, sometimes without my dad would discipline me, I said, I just shut down. And then it's the level of safety, so now I don't feel safe communicating, like I can't deal with it. At least not directly, like the tone, the volume, the language, I will just shut down. And then I don't feel safe. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 59:21

Okay, in that moment, I give all your trauma, you know what I'm saying? All that, I don't give none, bro. And I'm like, you got me up, and as and as I heard myself saying it, I was like, oh snap.

SPEAKER_03 59:42

Oh snap, but I wasn't helping, like boundary, I didn't care about it either. I was just going and going and going.

SPEAKER_01 59:49

Oh, listen, talk about and on the button, okay? Listen, no, but in that moment I realized like I was heading to a place where I no longer was going to be protective of what makes her safe, and that's very important to me. Even when I am pissed in any state, I'm always thinking, okay, bro, before I open my mouth, let me make sure I I chill because my wife, I'm always thinking of her side of it, and so um, but in that moment, I realized I was at a place I didn't no longer care about that protecting her peace, protecting her, whatever. And so I instantly stopped in that moment. I got in the car. After the fact, you dismissed yourself. Yeah, I dismissed myself. I was like, cool, because I I again I'm at a place where I'm like, yeah, I'm about to, I'm about to really start saying some stuff, and this is not this is not incumbent of even what I'm trying to get to in the conversation. So um I got in the car, I drove two hours to Kalamazoo. I stayed with my cousin for the weekend, and then I came home, you know what I'm saying, after a day or two, and you know what I'm saying, and and obviously we had to talk, but one of those things that I'm learning, even outside of that, because that to me was an extreme, but at that moment I knew I had to do something. Um, and I knew it wasn't, oh, let me go take a little drive and come back home. I needed space, space. I didn't need to be around. And um, but I think on a day-to-day basis, when it comes to us having disagreements about things, I'm always willing to shut the conversation down until we can get back to the topic. A lot of times when you do get into arguments, it starts to spiral off into other arguments. You start to go bringing up other stuff, you start being like, but last week, and then you don't even know. I was thinking the whole time you was eating a cereal that like do you wasting milk? Like, I'm just you start digging in other stuff. So a lot of times now when I feel like we're very we start off on one subject and now we're starting to veer into other, or even sometimes we we bro, this happens so much with us. We're I don't know why we're like little old thing, uh arguing couples sometimes. We will be watching TV together. We will start talking about something that's interesting, and then that interesting thing becomes the disagreement. We start beefing over. We just what you mean you don't think that the cops was wrong? Because they I'm just saying, if if you look at their perspective, ain't no looking at their and now we sit in there and a lot of times I just stop and be like, you know, no no no. I just start the thing playing and just stop it because I'm recognizing like my goal is to learn more about my wife. I wanna, even when we're arguing, I I do want to hear her point of view sometimes so that I'm making sure that my worldly view of things, I have good perspective. And a lot of times I could be off. So I'm I'm trying to learn that even when it comes to protecting our peace, sometimes it's just shutting the conversation down and saying, let's come back to this later, let's come back to this after we've taken a breather. Or hey, I feel something rising up in me, and I I know what this is, I know my own attitude, my own ego, my own anger. I know what it is. Let me stop now. Because you might not be going nowhere. There's times she's like, I'm not even mad. I'm like, yeah, but I am mad. I feel myself getting heated over this because maybe it's something I'm very passionate about that you're not passionate about, and you don't recognize that this is offending me, so let me stop the conversation. So a lot of times it's just man being aware of your partner, being aware of yourself, sure, knowing the as they say when you drive, are you noticing the signs on the side of the road that say exit or ice icy road, whatever? Like notice the signs. So that's that's how I protect RPs from my side because I just know myself. So I try to be a little bit more aware.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:46

Uh, and again, yeah, he's the more fiery side. I'm explosive, I'm the more like laid back, calm side. So the way I protect it is I speak up so he doesn't have to come up or like a narrative doesn't take the place of like the silence that I sometimes can give. Because Vince again, he processes outwardly, I process inwardly. So a lot of the times he already knows he has the words and thoughts strong together. He's ready to go. Me, no, no, no, I'll I know you're still going, I'm still on the first sentence. What did you mean by that? What's the in-between that I'm missing? Because I know what you said, but I feel like how you said it, there's more that you didn't say, so I'm like processing every word he says, and then at the same time, he wants me to respond. I can't do both, not in real time. So a lot of the times to protect his peace, I'm acknowledging, hey, I I heard what I believe you said was this, right? And I can hear that, I can accept it. I just need time to process it and I'll give you my response. Right. Because the problem with me is I start saying stuff, and because he's such a logical thinker, he's like, but that doesn't make sense. So again, it makes it worse. Because when I try to process and talk in real time, I'm saying stuff that I it's not completely thought through. So again, he's he's paying attention, and he's like, Well, wait a minute, you just said this and now you're saying this, but that doesn't make sense. And I'm like, You're right, because I'm talking, I'm trying to get my thoughts together, and as I'm speaking it out loud, my thoughts are making sense. Like, I need to process it all internally first, right? Then I can tell you my thoughts in totality. But me trying to process outwardly and make sense at the same time when we're in a debate or disagreement argument, right? No, no, no, that'll make it worse. So, again, how I protect your piece from my side. That is again, I do acknowledge what you say in a moment. For sure. And I let you know I just need time to process it. But I'm I'm for sure I plan on coming back to you with my thoughts.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:11

Again, you're you're not making up narratives in your mind.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:14

I be in court. I be ready. Where are your facts at? What your honor? The prosecution rests on the defense. She's not doing, you know what I'm saying? Parents just be throwing out words. We'll be back in 10 minutes. Bro, how did you spend what'd you spend 200 on? But she just be throwing out a cat, um, shoes, school, um, ah, the pressure. She just be, I'm like, what are you saying? So it just, yeah, she definitely does a great job now at just being like, let me get back with you. We'll talk about, let me, you know, or she'd try to say a sense, she'd try to give a a flat explanation and then be like, but give me some time and she can come, she normally comes back with more detail, but definitely that's a good one, man.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:04

But um, so either one of y'all could take this one on. So, what's your perspective on people taking their relationships to the internet and how important is it to keep the world obvious relationship?

SPEAKER_02 1:07:20

Mmm. Mmm.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:27

I feel like we were talking about this not that long. We just were, yeah, because we were talking about the uh the guy on and the girl on the internet posting and stuff. Yeah. But go ahead.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:40

I feel like the internet is undefeated. Whether you post something bad, people gonna have it. If you post something good, they'll find something bad about it. If you pass something, post something bad, they'll find something bad about it. And then you got the people that'll find something good about it. I I just feel like with the internet, it's almost like you're opening yourself up to public opinion, right? And you only have so much control of the narrative for so long. Like you might have you might have had good intentions and showing like some of the real hard, challenging parts of relationships or being married, and it's just like people are gonna run with it however they see fit. Like, and then again, it's like you're dealing with people who don't fully know you or understand like your upbringing, your background. So it's like they don't have all the context, they just have the snapshot. So it's just like when you put stuff on the internet, I would I would say I don't recommend it. Do it sparingly. I mean, whether you posted videos or you posted a picture or just simply words, like just be mindful of the can of worms that can come as a result of it. Like, or like we were saying to one person, it was public. Make it private, like only your friends and family that actually know you have proximity can see this stuff, and then not everybody has access to it to see. I I don't know. Like, honestly, that's part of the reason why I'm not on there like that anyway. Like, I don't necessarily post a lot of myself. You just read other people. I I just because it's just it's really funny, it's hard to navigate the internet with stuff like that, especially again because we see so many people get canceled for little to nothing. And then you have people trying to promote positivity and stuff, and then they can get it too. So it's just like, well, you can't win for losing.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:45

Nah.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:45

When it comes to stuff like this, I commend though a lot of the couples who are out here on Instagram and TikTok and all that stuff, who are promoting like positive marriages and relationships and stuff, but that's tough because I'm sure for every one positive comment, they got five, ten negative ones.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:02

Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Because people don't, the internet is not again, like we just talked about with relationships, like it's it there are people who you when you spend time truly getting to know somebody, you don't have to even come close. That's like if if if me and OJ anything happens to either one of us, the first thing we're not thinking is like, so what you do, bro? Like, you know what I'm saying? We like, what? We thinking of the other person, you know what I'm saying? Like, again, wait till we get to this emergency, pa, bro. Go be talking about something. It's not like he's saying I was just like, Oh yeah, like I instantly was like, I'm on his side, I know this man. Like, so that is the thing with social media and putting your relationship on there is these people don't know y'all personally enough to be able to speak on the character of the people that's in the relationships, you know what I'm saying? People get on their opinions, and you know, like I say, we've been watching this one show called Couples Therapy, it's a really dope show. Uh, what's that HBO Showtime? Something like that. Um, and um, we be sitting there talking about the couples. We don't even know these people, but we have our own opinions about what they're saying on the show, and that's the internet, it's all these opinions on what people are just assuming based off very minute amount of information that you post. It's like again, why even go to the internet to to voice your displeasure with your partner or anything like that? Just seems pointless, you know. And then the the whole thing about keeping people out of your relationship is like we've talked about that plenty of times where it's like we don't do none of that. I'm not about to be inviting people in to give me their two cents, and you don't really know my wife like that, or you don't know how our dynamic is, you know what I'm saying? Like, um, that's like you know, if you know, I text her something like, hey, I love you, punk, and then somebody like, man, you call your wife a punk, that's crazy. Y'all don't even know, like we call each other that. Oh, we do. Like, bro, I call I used to call her that when we were dating. Like, what do you mean? Like it was so, but if you don't know us, you don't know our how we move, you know what I'm saying? You can never truly have a full scope of what we do day to day, you know what I'm saying, or what we experience with each other. So I just think keeping people out of it is something we've again, boundary. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Who you talk to about your relationship is very important. I'm not saying don't don't bring nobody into it because you gotta have somebody that's on the outside looking in, being able to let you guys know when y'all are veering on to say, like, hey, bro, I don't know if that was the way you should have said that to your wife, or hey, why, you know, or her homegirl saying, like, hey girl, you know, you should girl, she we going out tonight, girl. You need to go home and apologize to your man. That's what you need to do. You know what I'm saying? Like, you need somebody or a community of people or something to help you guys stay on track, but those are trusted, proven people, right? Trusted and proven, you know what I'm saying? Like, not Shelly, who've been divorced four times, ain't got a man now, and she online talking about you know, cancel uh the you know, mom Jonathan Majors because of what I like. She you don't want her advice, don't don't do her. You you want people who are tested and proven. So that's something we had to learn, like, and build our community around. You know what I'm saying? People who, you know, there are women who parents know like she can reach out to them and they got her back and and and they go support her in the right way, and then she knows she got some female friends, like they love her, but if she ever said the wrong thing about me, I might find myself surrounded somewhere. You know what I'm saying? They're gonna be like, You you did work to bear, like, yo, what, what? Like, so you gotta know who to talk to.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:27

For sure, because there's certain people like, once you say it, you can't take it back.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:31

Yeah, people don't. Somebody said something great, like, people, your family and your friends don't forgive as fast as you do to your partner. Right. You know what I'm saying? You may be like, man, we good. Yeah, you know, I told you she did so and so, or he did so and so, you know, and but we good now, we solid. Your family's still gonna be like, Right, still holding that grudge. So it's like you it's just being mindful of that, like telling people who have those those good mindsets where I can be like, man, my girl did this, bro, and he not gonna be, you know, and y'all good? Like, yeah, man, we good. I don't know, bro. Sometimes, man, these females, you gotta, y'all might be good right now. You check the phone, you know what I'm saying? Like, you gotta have people that's gonna forgive just like you forgive and support you in a healthy way. And and other than that, just keep everything else out the way, social media and random people. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:32

So, um, have you ever found yourself in a cancerous relationship? And what did you do to get out of it? How did you escape?

SPEAKER_03 1:15:47

It's a mutual one. What I can't wait, what we were both in proximity to this. Cancer, it turned cancerous, but because we were both in the proximity of it, we both mutually had to kind of figure out how to handle it. Oh, well, uh, I think it's a good idea.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:13

Because it should not be, yeah. Because at first I said, where's you going? I'm not we ain't in harmony on this one. I would say I don't think I have a lot of again, my lack of but you just mean you mean like just general relationships, not romantic relationships. I mean it could be any type of cancerous relationship. Okay, yeah, yeah. I mean, well, in that case, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:16:35

I think that's the closest one I could see gone. Yeah. Outside of that, I don't think I've really had any.

SPEAKER_01 1:16:44

Well, I thought let's use that one second. So, first I say like when it comes to like relationship, relationship in like with somebody that was cancerous. Um, a lot of times you just gotta have a solid exit plan of getting away from that person, knowing like, you know, certain places you just not gonna go no more because you know they gonna be there. Certain places, you know, cutting off phone numbers, blocking people. I mean, thank God for block, you know, all type of that, you know, stuff like that. You gotta have an exit plan. You gotta know how to move accordingly. Like, you know, especially if it it's a if it's a destructive type of breakup or something, and you you feel like that person isn't going to have your best interest, you gotta move a certain way. Um and and and then you gotta do the work to start healing too. You know what I'm saying? Because um, for some people, especially, you know, for our women, like, you know, they end up in abusive relationships and stuff like that, where it's like now that you have your exit plan out of the relationship, you also have to do the work behind what happened now. You know, it's like an explosion, it's like, yeah, the explosion may be gone, but then there's still residue from the explosion, you still gotta be able to clean up. So I think there's a lot of outward work you have to do, and then there's a lot of inward work you have to do. Um, but as far as just relationships in general, my god, yeah, we dealt with that one.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:10

Um wait, I have one more thing to add to that. Okay, I was gonna say let your no be know. Yeah. Like, don't go and be like, oh, well, maybe. No, you gotta completely close that door.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:21

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:23

You cannot let them think, oh, there's hope, there's a chance. No, it's done.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:27

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:18:28

Don't go back because that's another thing that that happens is people be going back and forth, and they be going that line, they kind of jump back and see the talk. You gotta let your no be no.

SPEAKER_01 1:18:41

Yeah, that's that's I've seen so many people firsthand because again, I I I counsel so many people that like there's so many firsthand experiences I've had with people where we're going through the exit plan again because the no wasn't a no, and I I thought we told this person no. It was like, yeah, but I went back, and I'm like, this person is bad for you. Like, it's so it's like I've seen firsthand so many people just like go back and forth into these toxic and cancer relationships, and so for us a lot of times, even some like like she was just saying, Paris was saying that there's something that we've experienced together. Um, we've we just had to support each other through that. Like we had to remind each other of the boundaries we set with certain people. There are times where we just uh it can be emotionally tough, and we gotta support each other through those emotional things, holding each other up. Um there are difficult conversations sometimes about where the relationship got cancerous, and kind of having to go through that and say, okay, at what point did this get bad and and and why didn't we see it, or why didn't one of us see it, or how did, you know, uh like in one situation, you know, like I wasn't really hip to the part that was being cancelled, but and and she was, and you know, there was a lot of perspective from her, and that she was sharing with me where I was like, I wasn't I wasn't even seeing that, you know what I'm saying? Um, so there's a lot of dialogue that you have to have back and forth, but I think supporting each other through it was what helped us because we were both dealing with the same person, and it was like we were getting two sides of that coin. Both sides were toxic and cancerous, which is crazy because I thought it was supposed to be one side and then the other side, good. There was no good side, both bad sides, and so we both were just supporting her experience in perspective, she was supporting my experience in perspective, and we had to remember that the cancer relationship that we were dealing with was more so trying to divide us than be an issue to us, it was really trying to divide us, so we had to make sure that we were in lockstep so that we didn't allow that person to have influence over one of us, you know what I'm saying? Because a lot of times you just deal with somebody, you're like, oh, I just leave that person alone. But when that other person is trying to then manipulate the other person that you care about, now you gotta make sure we good, because I don't want them saying something to you that's gonna get to you, or let alone get to me when I'm by myself. So we had to be very conscious about sharing information. What did they say to you? What did they say to me? Line those things up with truth and facts, and and you know what I'm saying? So dealing with cancerous relationships is like you have to stand on business, you got to you gotta know what you stand for, you gotta know what your morals are, and and for us, we had to have those same, we had to go back to basics of like what we believe about each other at the core because there are going to be people who will come against your marriage, and they will say anything to ruin your marriage, they don't care about if it made common sense or not, they don't care if um there's long-lasting effects, they don't care what the consequences and the trials y'all had to go through together, they will just come up against your marriage to come up against it. So we had to remember who we were at our very core because there will be somebody who will try to play a role as if they know your partner better than you, and they say, Oh no, I know, I know OJ. No, OJ, and you your partner gotta be able to be like, that's not him, right? That's not him, and unless this man then morphed or something, like I can't believe you, you know what I'm saying? Like, and even if there's a doubt of even if there's a shred of doubt, we have those conversations in private, right? We don't give that person the leverage to think that, oh, you giving me something that I'm not sure about. Right. We still play it a coy of like, oh okay, you know what I'm saying, and and come back like so they said this though, like what we thought about, you know what I'm saying? So there's there's just that of again protecting each other of knowing, like, man, nah, we don't, we don't know, we we cut those cancerous relationships out as fast as we can, yeah, um, but also as diligently as we can, too.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:28

Yeah, and again, just taking note for the future. So, like, okay, well, last time, all right, these are similar patterns. No, we gotta patterns of people. We not even gonna entertain that. We not even invest.

SPEAKER_01 1:23:44

You remind us of so-and-so, get out of here.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:46

Or like, even with him, like it was a previous situation that you had to endure, but again, because I'm your partner and I'm with you during this time, I'm like, well, remember this last situation. It was real similar, just be mindful of it. Because again, I'm not gonna tell you, nope, just cut it off. Don't even just be mindful, right? The last time, yeah, we had somebody kind of came similar approach, just mindful.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:15

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and like I said, we we've had people come up against our marriage multiple times in different ways. Yeah, in different ways, where it's like it's not always the same thing of like, oh, there's uh, you know, like we've had people.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:36

It's never in the beginning, it's like further down the line. So it's like all this time is like we've been like in close proximity, we've hung out, we've gone to different things, right? And then it's like later when you least expect it, that's when this ulterior motive starts to peek through. Where it's like somebody we like are both mute, we both mutually know, right? That's who they're trying to influence to then make either him or me look a certain like, well, I heard, you know, you gotta watch this. And I'm like, well, again, this mutual person, you we've been in close pro you've seen us work through this, you see, but they for whatever reason are now trying to come at you to kind of come at us. Is and it was further down the line.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:22

Yeah, just crazy, crazy things, man. That's why it's like that's why that whole letting people into your marriage is like you gotta, you guys have to be strong to even allow people in because once they come in, they can try to do whatever they want once they're in there. You know, it's like letting people in your house. Once I'm in your house, I can start uh pulling TVs off the wall and good. But it's like as long as I know I have insurance on that TV, you can pull it down, that's cool. Let's get another one. But you ain't coming back up here. But you ain't come back up in here. But you can break things, but I have I have an awareness that I have insurance on this stuff to get it back, and that's the insurance we have on our relationship, where it's like, you can come in and try to tear it up a little bit, sure. But we have insurance on knowing who we are. I know my wife. My wife knows me, I know her character, she knows mine, she knows what I am willing to do, what I am capable of. She also knows what I'm not capable of doing. You know what I'm saying? So she's like, oh, somebody said you did this. Yeah, okay. Oh, somebody said you did this, explain. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, all right, yeah, okay. You know what I'm saying? But there are things that she knows, like we know each other. So even in those instances where we've had kind, you know, toxic relationships try to come in and divide us, we always just go back to who am I to you? What do you know about me? Does that sound like me? Does that sound like my act? These do these things line up with anything that we've talked about? That's why we stay in discussion about stuff. And from there, we we know how to deal to operate, and we'll say, Oh, okay, yeah, that's that person. Here we go. Here we go. We're gonna cut that off. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 1:27:05

So in saying that, outside of like people trying to divide y'all, like just in everyday situations, like just relationship type, you know, things going on, how important is it to understand and have a mindset of united we stand, divided we fall.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:35

I think that um one of the things somebody told us a long, long time ago, and and it's kind of stuck with me because I think it is true. I think every every couple has a superpower, right? And I think that every couple has their own unique superpower, whether that's communication, whether that's understanding, whether that's empathy, sympathy. Whether it's playfulness, like every couple has their own strong suit that's like unique to them. And I think for us, somebody told us a long time ago that we had um we had a unity about us. And I've always clung to that. Like, man, we do have a unity about us. Like we we we ride for each other. You know what I'm saying? Like we really do, we do be in lock of step. It's rare that we're not in step with each other. Whether that's how we think about things, how that how we decide to move together, like when we truly are on the same page, we're really in stopping. When we agree, when we talk things out, when we have communication flowing, like when our unity is strong. She believes in me, I believe in her, she's with me, I'm with her. Like, so a lot of times when we've been under attack, it's been people who's tried to attack our unity. They've tried to attack the fact that we are so tight together by trying to be like y'all might not be as tight. You know what I'm saying? And trying to attack that unity. Right, right. Um, because our unity is fine. Like, we might not always communicate the best. Okay. You know what I'm saying? We might not always work well together, but our unity is there. Like, we do not, I don't, we just don't divide because we divide. There's no, there is no division with us like that. So, um, you know, I think that is something that I look at and I just look and I say, like, man, that is our our go-to superpowers, our unity. So um, I try to at all times make sure that whether it's being under attack or whether it's even working on our marriage, the one thing I try to make sure is that we are in that, that our unity is good. That we both know we still stand for each other. You know what I'm saying? Because we for us, that is our, you know, united we stand, divided we fall. Divided we do fall. You know what I'm saying? We've had seasons of separation, like where we weren't on the same page, and we those were some of the worst times for us financially, uh, emotionally, mentally, stability-wise, like those were the worst times. But when we got, but when we looked to the moments when like we were at our best, we were locked in. Our unity was on point. We was you couldn't catch me without her, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, when I used to go perform places, she was with me all the time. When I performed, I used to tell people, what up, though, y'all? She went with you say, Hey y'all, say, what up to my wife? You know what I'm saying? You know how many times I done avoided trouble by just saying that in the whole room? Everybody that goes my wife. You know what I'm saying? Like, you can't know things out of me. You such a good rap, there go my wife. You know what I'm saying? Like, so so so our unity has always been a thing, is united, we have been our strongest. But when we've been in those seasons of separation where we didn't feel like we were super locked in and close, that those were our downfalls. So I always look at that and say, like, every couple has a strong suit, that's their powerful thing. And I think for us is it's our unity.

SPEAKER_03 1:31:18

So um, like you're saying though, everyday day-to-day like relationships. I think it is important to have that united, we stand mindset just because again, you get influence from other things, like whether it's friends or like family or again at work, like people are talking about these different aspects of relationships, whether they're observing one, they're in one, and it's just like again, if you feel bad for that person or you know that person, and they're talking about whoever they're in a relationship with, you might side with that person, and then you taking that on, and then next thing you know, you know, we watching something, and now I'm spitting what they was spitting, it's you, so it's like you you really do just have to be mindful of like, okay, maybe I should just acknowledge it, but not internalize it. Like you really do have to be mindful of that because again, you whether you scrolling on social media or it's the shows we watch, the movies we watch, right? Like all these different perspectives as far as like going against marriage, against healthy relationships, yeah, promoting toxic relationships and toxic situations. For sure. You really do have to be like, hmm, you know, maybe again, I'm I can acknowledge it, but I'm not gonna internalize it. Right. That doesn't apply to me.

SPEAKER_01 1:32:39

Yeah, like those 50-50 conversations. What's at the table conversation?

SPEAKER_03 1:32:44

Yeah, it's just you really have to be, like you said, aware of yourself, aware of your partner, right? To only take what applies. If it don't apply, leave it where it's at, you know. But if it don't apply, let it die. Wow. Bet that.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:59

Alright, P. What do you what do you love most about my dog Vince? And what do you believe his greatest strength is? And after she done, your turn.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:14

Okay, what do I love the most? He said, what do I love the most? And what is his like strength?

SPEAKER_01 1:33:22

Greatest strength. Yeah. Gas me up, let's get it.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:27

See, that requires words.

SPEAKER_00 1:33:28

You already know. Yeah, she's yeah, but the audience don't know. Yeah, tell the people, let the people know.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:36

Yeah, let me hit the crowd button. Tell the people, they cheer right now. They wanna know. Oh, what do you?

SPEAKER_03 1:33:45

That's making it worse for me.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:48

I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:48

That's making it worse.

SPEAKER_01 1:33:50

I'm gonna stay over here.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:51

What do you say?

SPEAKER_01 1:33:52

I'm gonna look over here.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:53

How are you gonna look over there?

SPEAKER_01 1:33:54

I'm gonna put no pressure on you.

SPEAKER_03 1:33:56

It's too late. It's already here. Oh, okay. Um, what do I love most? Um it's weird because not not about you, me. Me. I'm lying.

SPEAKER_01 1:34:08

See, this one be letting her talk, bro.

SPEAKER_03 1:34:10

She that's what I was about to say. Hell no. It's weird. I'm weird in that like my love language is words of affirmation. Right. So I need you to tell me words, but as far as like how I show love is in actions and what I do. Right. So like I can know I love him. I tell him I love him, but at the same time, I just do a lot for him too. So when you're like, well, tell us what do you love most about him? I'm like, I wash, I organize, I clean, I like I do everything to show you how much I love you. So okay, let me let me try to think of something. What do I love most about you? Um, I love that um you have a big heart. That's a good one. I think one of the things I thought about, like whoever I dated or married, I'm like, I didn't want them to be like, I guess a selfish. Grumpy McGee. Yes. I did not want that at all. Like, I want him to be like, not so much, well, kind, yes, but again, just not stoic, if that makes sense. Not again, that's not a bad thing. But I'm like, I will want someone opposite me in that way, where again they can be more like kind-hearted, have a big heart, be thoughtful, be considerate. Because I thought that was important. So that's what I love most about you, is that you have a kind heart. You have a big heart. Um, you're not like overly, I guess, I don't see. I'm not saying the right words. And this is why. This is why I'm gonna stop out my head. I think you have a kind heart and a big heart. That's what I love most about you. Because even when it comes to like having kids, I was like, I want someone that again, my kids ain't like, there's that. I'm not about to like I wanted them to be able to be like someone they can laugh with, be silly with something like all that type of stuff. Yeah, kind of like my dad, basically, but okay, that's what I love most about you. Your biggest strength, though, trying to think, man, you can network. That that is your biggest strength. You you resources, like your resources reach far in more than one way. Like, look at you. I feel like I should stop talking. Like, out of all the things you say, resources are hilarious. No, no, I'm listening. Your ability to make something out of nothing is so impressive to me, okay? That's I think is your greatest strength. Like the fact that like how you get all the stuff that you you need as far as like your equipment and props, and just throughout the years of how you've made something out of nothing. I'm like, this, I am impressed. Like, that is a skill. I think that is a strong, like one of your best strengths is that again, we might be looking at the budget, and I'd be like, Well, we need this, this, this. All right, give me, all right, let me let me move some things, let me see if I can shape some things, and you do every single time. I'm like, how do you do this?

SPEAKER_01 1:37:36

The struggle creates perseverance.

SPEAKER_03 1:37:40

I would say that's your greatest strength. Like, I don't know if there's a phrase for it, but just how you make something out of nothing, I just think is really impressive.

SPEAKER_01 1:37:50

Oh, I thought that's dope. And it's funny, the only reason I laugh is because Paris is she's one of the her thing is at worst affirmation, so she needs to be gassed up. She just don't know how to return it. I don't. Uh I don't. You be like, Paris, you great. Yeah, you're amazing. Yeah. Tell me. You got it. You are you can do it. You're amazing. You are I make fun of her all the time because for two years in a row, one time. She got me the same. Oh my god. She for two years back to back, she was like championship title holders back to back with it. She got me the same birthday card two years in a row. The exact same card. And she was just like and I'm just like, hey, consistent. Like, even this year, she gave me a really nice car, and like, you know, she wrote in it, and it was like a nice little paragraph, and I was like, a woman of few words, but I feel it. I know what you I know what you want to say. I'm not I know what you wrote down, though. Like it's so funny. I know her like that. Um words, but I do major gestures. I do you are, yeah. You're you know how, yeah, you know how to show it better than say it for sure. Which is so funny. Um and why she's just about to dominate me while I'm sitting here. And again, this is one of those things where like people listening can easily be like, she don't love him. She can't even come up with something, like I know, right? He over here, but he's poetic and everything. Like, bro. Meanwhile, I'm over here building stuff. Okay, hey, listen.

SPEAKER_03 1:39:43

Going to studio sessions with the city.

SPEAKER_01 1:39:44

I say it all the time. Paris, Paris Girl House. Studio sessions. Period. Listen. There's a picture. There's a picture of uh actually, I I will use this for what I love about Paris. What I love about Paris is um I love her commitment. She's so loyal.

SPEAKER_03 1:40:06

Oh wow.

SPEAKER_01 1:40:07

And she's loyal to a T. Like I I haven't and I and I think OJ, you understand this as a man, bro. Like, when we get with women, like there is a there's this small part of you that always wonder about your feet. Yeah. You kind of just be, like, even when she's great, you like there's a reason why you gotta be this great. Like, there's gotta be something. Like, and I have never, I've never once doubted Paris at all. Like, I sh her loyalty, her commitment is is so high above reproach. Like, I've never doubted who she was or her character for a day, you know what I'm saying? Um, but her loyalty is very, very strong in the sense that there's this picture of us when I was on tour, and well, actually, we were on our way to we were driving on tour, and I had a bunch of CDs and a bunch of little sleeves and a bunch of little inserts, and she took the entire trip packing up all of the CDs for me, and then when we were on tour, there's this picture of us at a table where I was trying to sell the CDs, and it just says uh mature CDs$10 on this like regular old printing paper, and she she had wrote it, she was like, You should have a sign or something. And I'm like, Oh, I just even come to the table. She like, yeah, she wrote this quick sign up real quick, but it just showed like her commitment to everything that I do, her commitment to the process again, being in the studios with me, being on tour with me, traveling with me. You know, we I remember uh me and another friend had to drive to New York for a show, and she rode with us, you know. Just I mean, just everything. I remember being sick, like I got, well, let's honestly, I was drunk. I was just being honest. I was drunk one time, really bad, needed some help, and she drove like hours to come get me. You know what I'm saying? Like, her commitment to me has been unwavering and uh and really unmatched by anybody else that I've known. You know what I'm saying? And I love that about her because there's a safety for as a man, there's just a safety when you know your woman got you. Right, right. There's just the like and I don't think women understand that because they can't be with a man that ain't got them. But for a man to have a woman who got them is entirely different. The stakes are different. You can sleep better. Like, you just you know, so there's like there's just an innate love that I have for her commitment to just every bit of our journey, whether we were up, whether we've been down, whether we've had good times, bad times, she has just been overly and above committed to it all, and and I just couldn't be more grateful for that. Um the thing that I her greatest strength um outside of being able to build anything, she is Bob the Builder, um, but no, her greatest strength um uh uh is her ability to withstand the waves in life. She's really like I said, about not knowing how resistant she resilient she is. There's so many things that she's like been through, there's so many things that have come after us, there's so many things that we've faced, very difficult, challenging things, like things that like I wouldn't I would have never wanted us to even go through or deal with, you know what I'm saying? And to see her resilience, to see how strong she is to be able to stand against some of these waves, even her own personal waves that come into her life that she just has to deal with. Um her character is so strong, she's able to be the same person before things happen, when they're happening, and then when she comes out of it. She's never had a switch up where I'm like, I don't know you anymore. Who is this? Like, her character remains the same. When she's going through, she still finds a way to be kind, to be loving, to be. Listen, when we first got married, when we were dating, all type of stuff. I used to tell people all the time I never knew when she was on her period. I can't. Hell no. I'ma always make this podcast interesting. That's it. I never could tell. OJ, you know, this is as dudes. We grow up being able to know because they be tripping. The energy be different. Man. You be public enemy number one for seven days.

SPEAKER_00 1:45:35

Man, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:45:37

No respect. It talks crazy sometimes. Like it be, but for her, like her, she shirt her character, bro. Like, she's never allowed that to make her be somebody at home that's that's undesirable to be with or be around. Like, she's never let that, like, and I'm sure I don't again, she could be going through her own thing during that time or whenever, but she's never allowed that to be an outward expression or allow that to outwardly affect the people around her. You know what I'm saying? And and that's that's most of anything that she deals with. She's able to keep her composure um through the waves. Yeah. And I think that's her greatest strength. I don't think she a lot of times gives herself credit because um when troubles do arrive, she be the first one to be like, mail the boat, we're going down. She be parents will quickly forget. But but again, when it matters the most, when we need her to hit that big shot, big shot rob, you know what I'm saying? For the Spurs, when we need her to hit that home run, like she will step up and hit it out the park every single time in the most clutches of moments when we need her to be the mom that we need, or I need her to be the wife that shows up, or she needs to be the sister, or the daughter, or the cousin, or the whoever. When people have needed her in the most, she she steps up to those moments when uh most people will find any reason to collapse. She she does great at standing up.

SPEAKER_00 1:47:12

So that's what's up, that's what's up. So we know y'all married. Yes. If y'all don't know that by now, yeah, no, no, but look, we know it's a unit over there, yeah. But we also live our separate lives as well. In those busy seasons, how important is it for you to have understanding as well as prioritize your partner and sacrifice time for your partner as well?

SPEAKER_01 1:47:51

Go ahead, baby.

SPEAKER_00 1:47:52

You gotta kick it on the thing. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Can't stop, won't stop.

SPEAKER_03 1:48:00

Right in the in the busy seasons, how do you make time? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 1:48:07

No, not how do you make time, how important is it for you to make time?

SPEAKER_03 1:48:12

Okay, um I would say it's very important because again, you you need to have that one-on-one time to sustain the marriage, the relationship. Um and for like a multitude of reasons. Again, y'all just need to have that time to connect with no interruptions. Again, depending on how you might feel or your partner might feel, right? Or again, not having that time. So, like, again, they might start to again that narrative is not necessarily true, but it's based on how you feel in a moment of like, oh well, he's picking that over me, or she's choosing that over me, or they think that's more important than me. So again, it kind of dismantled that the opportunity for that like narrative to take root. Right. Like it is very important, you know, to make time uh for your partner during busy seasons. Um, it is a sacrifice though. So I would say, like, at again, with Vincent, with his shooting schedule, it was very sporadic. Like it would, there was no like consistency about it. Like he would just have to catch people when he could. And because of that, again, it was like, yeah, I sometimes would have to sacrifice a lot of sleep because I'm staying up late so we can just have that moment to connect, check in, and then I'm probably, you know, going to sleep for a few hours. And I gotta get up early in the morning to get to work. So it's just like it I think the sacrifice is worth it though, because I might be dead tired that morning, but at least I know like we're on good terms. I know where we stand. Again, uh We got that chance to connect whether it was watching a quick episode or something. Or again, he put on a movie, but I passed out. But he knew I was in it the first 30 minutes. He can still give me the consideration. Like I know it's you know past her bad time, but I appreciate her trying. Like at least you try, you know, but right. I think, yeah, so it's very important, and you do have to make sacrifices, but in the grand scheme of things, it's it's worth it because those moments do matter, whether it's a whole day y'all can do it, it's a few hours, or in passing, like you're very intentional in those five minutes you have in passing. Right. It all adds up, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:50:48

Right. And and and and I agree, it is important. Like, you know, the we we try to make Wednesdays our date night, you know what I'm saying? And and again, sometimes we hit it, sometimes we don't, but we try to strive for making sure we set aside time for just us, not us as parents, right? Not us with the kid, and you know, we try to make sure it's it's just us, you know, and um make sure that we we have that time alone to ourselves, you know. Even when we think about taking trips, I'm like, this is a family trip, and then this gonna be a us trip, you know what I'm saying? So that like we ain't taking the daughter everywhere now. We go to we go go here and then we go leave her for this trip, you know what I'm saying? So um, so it's important, but I also think that at the same time, um, there's something about understanding that in busy seasons you have to be able to keep yourself, you know what I'm saying, so that you understand, like, hey, I love you, and and and and and we good and we locked in, and we don't necessarily have to communicate that so much in this season because you know our schedules, our work schedules aren't the same, you know what I'm saying? You coming, I'm going, or uh hey, I'm like she was saying, I'm shooting, I gotta I gotta go, I gotta go. Like, I don't have time to reaffirm you right now and reassure you with all the words and affirmation, but you gotta just know. You gotta know that I love you and that I'm with y'all. I'm gonna if you need me, text me or something. But there are times when you do have to, in those busy seasons, you gotta be able to withhold yourself, right? You know what I'm saying? And stick to what your foundation is in your marriage already, and just say, like, this person isn't ignoring me, they're working more. This person isn't calling me because they're working or they're busy, or hey, this person, you know, man, we used to be able to talk all the lunch breaks, and uh, and now this person is they're locked in, and I gotta support them while they're doing that. I don't I can't be, well, give me this, give me that, because now I might be hurting what they're trying to accomplish for us. You know what I'm saying? So that it is a two-fold where I do think it is very important you should be intentional to make time, but I think you also have to sometimes recognize some busy seasons in your marriage, you won't be able to do that as effectively, and you're gonna have to have to hold true to what you already have until you can get to that place.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:13

Okay, okay, back to you, P. Do you believe most people confuse trauma bonding with love?

SPEAKER_03 1:53:34

Okay, so you know yes, I think they do, and oftentimes I think that's how people get into trouble. They don't know the difference. Okay, they they don't know the difference. Um again, it it's so similar, I feel the feeling of it, right? I think that's what makes it so difficult for people to decipher or tell the difference between the two. Like, yeah, it's it can be misleading, I would say.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:18

I think we and we've talked about like we've seen people trauma bond, you know. Um we've seen people in relationships who've trauma bonded. Um I've talked to plenty of people that I've talked to who I'm like, man, they these people are like it's clearly a trauma bond. And I think you have to be very careful that you don't like there's trauma binding and then there's bonding through trauma. I think there's those those are two different things. Like trauma binding is like, I uh I, you know, I've had uh I've been in abusive relationships, and then this person is, you know, they've dealt with abuse relationships, and we just we've somehow created this toxic relationship where we become so co-independent about each other in X, Y, Z, XYZ. But then I think you can bond through trauma. I think our a lot of our dating and our marriage, we've been able to bond because we've gone through trauma together. We've gone through things that were traumatic for both of us or one of us, and because we sympathize for each other or we empathize for each other, it's bonded us closer. You know, like we just talked about with the uh uh cancerous person that we had to deal with, that was a traumatic situation that we bonded through. You know what I'm saying? Versus there are people who use their traumas or they find people with like trauma and then they bond together, but they don't get rid of the trauma. The trauma actually becomes the foundation of the relationship and how they operate. Um, whereas for us, the trauma that we go through together that bonded us, that's not the crust of the crust of our relationship. That's just something that's a layer, but it's not what we've built our relationship on. You know what I'm saying? We've we have experience of trauma, but that's not what we built our relationship on. It's built on other things, and so I think a lot of people are out here finding somebody with like trauma. Oh, you you've been through that too. Oh, see, we and now that's what they build their relationship off of. Is I I'm I'm I've been hurt by this, you've been hurt by this, this is why we in love.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:28

But it doesn't leave room for healing. Yes, y'all just kind of stay.

SPEAKER_01 1:56:34

You stay as the hurt people, that's why the relationship works. Yeah, so once people start healing, now I start to realize, well, I'm coming up out of this and you still want to stay in it.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:44

And there's that's the conflict.

SPEAKER_01 1:56:46

Now that's the conflict, exactly.

SPEAKER_03 1:56:48

Because now you thinking, oh, because I'm trying to do better, that I'm better than you, or I'm trying to leave you behind, or naturally I'm just gonna leave you because I'm doing better. But I think a lot of people, again, they're trying to heal and they want that person to heal too. Yeah, but again, or sometimes they don't.

SPEAKER_01 1:57:06

Sometimes people start off both loving the trauma that they're passing back and forth until something happens to one of them that makes them realize, like, oh, this is this ain't working for me no more. Then it's like, oh, let me work on myself, and now I'm no longer attractive to you because you like when um you like like friendships. Yeah, you it's like friendships, right? It's like certain people I've learned along the way. They liked me when I was broken. They liked me when it was like broke vent was going outside and partying every weekend, drinking every weekend, getting lost in the sauce every weekend. And you y'all like that version of me because I was broken. I was going through stuff, I was damaged, I was healing, I was going through, and y'all like that because I was accessible to do all this other stuff with y'all. The moment I start being like, hey, let's just chill, let's just let's let's vibe, let's get off of that stuff. Now those people don't have the same time for you because you were meeting them where they were at, which is at a very low vibrational place. Now, when you start on a higher frequency, well, it's like I don't want to go up there, and I don't and and now you can't come around me because that's too positive. I mean, we down here wallowing. Right, right. Oh, I don't want to be there, you know what I'm saying? So you even realize like people in relationships will quickly turn on you the moment they start to feel you no longer serve the purpose of their trauma. You know what I'm saying? So um that's why I say there is a difference because you can go through traumatic things, you know, people who have been in like uh, you know, plane accidents, train accidents, or uh tropical storms communities, they bond together through the trauma. But then there's a difference between that and then people who just feed off the trauma bonding and stuff like that. So yeah, and I think that it's very hard for people to know the difference of whether or not they've bonded through a trauma or if they're trauma bonding. A lot of times they think it's one is really the other.

SPEAKER_00 1:59:14

Okay. Best so shit, we fourth quarter, point three on the clock. Okay, I'm gonna run through this wellness check real quick. How y'all feeling?

SPEAKER_01 1:59:25

Feeling good, man. Better than when we came in. I was about to say, yeah, feeling a little bit better now. You know, we just talked about some other stuff, man. Feel a little good, man. That's what's up, that's what's up.

SPEAKER_02 1:59:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:59:39

Okay, so we're gonna turn the heat up a little bit on them. Ooh, we pothetically speaking. Uh-oh. Hypothetically. Gee. You identify that your marriage is becoming toxic. How do you repair it?

SPEAKER_01 2:00:01

Oh, no, we're in that stage now. Wait a minute. I think sometimes parents don't like to be as transparent as I am. She be like, damn, did you have to tell the people? Nah, I'm not against that. That's fine. Nah. I think, well, we'll use us as a word there. I mean, yeah. Yeah, we're on the other side of it now. Sure. Um, let me use those words correctly. You're right. I was like, wait a minute. We're past we're good, guys. We're good. No. Um we did go through a really rough patch, man. Um for and I say rough patch, it was three years of um patch. That's a long patch. Yeah, man. That's a it's a a pumpkin patch, uh, Philip. But we went through a three-year stretch, man, of just not being you in unity, you know what I'm saying? Like I was talking about earlier. And um we we we were really at an impasse, man. We were struggling to find the way out, you know what I'm saying? Um, and literally, I'm just I'm gonna try to make this as simple as possible. The only reason we're sitting here together now is because one, we both decided to choose each other again, two, we decided that winning the war, winning the battles was not helping us even come close to winning the war. We were both trying to win separate battles that at the end of the war would have left us both losing the war, and instead we decided that we didn't want to win the battles or the war, but we did want to win, and then I think three is we had to really act, we had to remind ourselves, which is what I said earlier, there is no out. There's just no out. You can we can be mad as as we want to be, blue in the face and all, but there's just there is no out, so go figure it out. And so once we did that, we chose each other, we stopped trying to, we we stopped trying to win these battles, and then we recognize there's no out, then you really sit down and start doing the real work. What is the problem between us? Well, why is it that we're not on the same page? And you really start sitting there and dissecting it part by part, and you really have to get to the meat that's on the bone about what's what's been troubling both of us. And we had to say uncomfortable things, we had to hear uncomfortable things, we had to have uncomfortable conversations, and we had to keep having them until they started to feel comfortable. And that is the real work because unless you agree to choose each other first, unless I say, listen, I'm choosing you. So if choosing you means I gotta shut up or be humble or whatever, then whatever it takes. I'm choosing you though. And she says same thing, I'm choosing you, okay, cool. Now, we had an impasse of like, okay, well, I don't wanna. I have a I have a gripe with you, you have a gripe with me. Both of our gripes are legitimate, so there's no discounting that one of us could be wrong and one could be right. You're right and I'm right. We both have facts to prove why we're both right about how we feel. Is that worth winning though? I don't want to win. I don't want to win my argument. You don't want to win your argument. So now what do we want to win? We want to win getting back on the same page. Now we're changing assignment. Because my original assignment was I want to win my argument. Her assignment is I want to win my argument. Now we've shifted, we've shifted assignments. The assignment now is let's just win each other back. Okay, cool. Right. Now we have part three where um forget, man. Now we have part three where um oh we're we're no, I forgot part three again.

SPEAKER_03 2:04:25

Um You forgot it again?

SPEAKER_01 2:04:27

Yeah. Um what was it?

SPEAKER_03 2:04:31

I said uh you don't want to win the battle.

SPEAKER_01 2:04:35

Don't win the battle. We just wanna choose yourself, choose each other. And then oh, and there's no out. Then we realize there's no out. In our case, yes. There's no out. We married. We can't we just can't break up. We can't just walk away from this. There's no out. We you look whether whether we mean it literally or we mean it biblically, or there's no out. Like, if you believe, you know what I'm saying? We we go to God, God, what you say? Can we break up over this? God, you read the word, the Bible, like, nope. Bible's like, this is the only reason you can break up. He's this and this. Well, we ain't got none of that. Okay. Well, what about socially? Can we break over? Nope. Okay. So now we gotta figure it out. And once you get to those three places, now it's like now you just gotta talk and you gotta do the hard work. You gotta hear stuff from your partner about your behavior. You don't want to hear, vice versa. You know what I'm saying? And you just gotta keep doing that every single day, and you have to recognize that you only need to win the day. Just get through the day with each other. Okay, we made it through today, we made it through today, we made it through today, and every day you keep getting through, you start to forgive a little bit more, you start to forget a little bit more, you start to work through it a little bit more. So the blow seems to feel less heavy a little bit more. So for us, that's literally what we've been doing for the last two years now. We have been just taking it a day at a time. Now we're we're in a place we're cruising, but in that first year coming out of our struggle, like we took it a day, literally at a time, because there were some days when I wanted to go back to how I felt. Where I was like, I know I said I forgave you and all, but I woke up today and I was thinking about a new point. You know what I'm saying? And I had to remember, like, that's not what this is about. I already told her I chose her, I told her so man, we literally had to literally take it a day at a time, and and and and I thank God that he he he saved us in a point that most people don't even come back from. We were in a very, very we were we were at a crossroad of like it was down to like just a decision of like yay or nay. Like right, right. And in that moment, again, that's when those three things came to pass. So, you know, we we survived it, but um, yeah, I just tell people all the time, man, like there is no out. So once you get married, you get that's why knowing who you marrying is so important. Because once y'all in it, ain't no out just cuz. I don't care if they reveal themselves to be a monster, you gotta figure that out. Whether that's getting that person help, therapy, loving on them, whatever, that monster now is your project to figure out how to love and work with. And people think like, oh well, oh, my partner was like this, and but then when we got married, they didn't switch up. Figure out how to get them back to that place, then, right? But that's your assignment because you as soon as you said I do, you signed on to that work. I always look at it like God is working on all of us individually, and the moment you marry a person, you're basically telling God, I want to help you with this person. Facts, facts. And if God is working on us for the rest of our lives, then that means once I sign on to it, that means I'm I'm signed on to work on you for the rest of your life. And so it's like, yeah, there's a there's no out, we gotta choose each other. I'm tired of winning these battles, and let's try to win a bigger warden that's bigger than us and get back to ourselves. And I think that's what helped us um over these these last two years. What about you, man? How do you feel about the work?

SPEAKER_03 2:08:18

I would say it's not easy. Uh, I would say what I had to consider again, like you mentioned earlier, is my part in the how I contributed to where we were at, right? Like in our marriage. And then that kind of knocked some of the pride out of me. Because I'm like, alright, you know, I though I was justified in how I was feeling, it kind of also opened me up to then hear your point of view and your perspective and what you were feeling, you know, I could do more of, or I wasn't, you know, flat out I wasn't doing. Um, but after humbling myself with that, it did kind of make it a little easier to then start do the work for for what I was contributing to the issue.

SPEAKER_01 2:09:11

Right.

SPEAKER_03 2:09:11

Um but like you said, you have to take it a day at a time just because for our little patch, it was three years' work. Yeah. You know, other people might be a month here or there, but it was just stacked on, stacked on, stacked on from uh like the duration of three years. So it did take, like you said, some time and some some digging and some trying to rebuild, and it was it took a lot more, but and again, it goes back to what we talked about earlier about knowing the foundation of your person.

SPEAKER_01 2:09:47

Yeah. So like even though we went through three years of beefing, it's like once we started saying, okay, let's make this right, I have to remember who you are at the core. I mean, like, this is again that we just we were cleaning up our house, we had a lot of pictures that we started to put back up on our shelves and on our walls and stuff like that. And you've seen the last time you came over, we had stuff like that around. And like looking at those pictures reminded me, even in that moment, like that couple was happy. That couple was happy at this age. We were that age and we were happy. This is another picture at a different age and we were happy. So if we've been happy at all these different, we just gotta figure out now how to be happy right now. Because if they figured it out and then they made it to them, that couple, and that couple figured it out, and then we made it to that couple and that couple figured it out, then we can make it to this couple and figure it out again. Where we are now, yeah. So pictures have like putting up pictures around the house reminded us like of how far we've came and how we've had to figure it out in all those different stages of pictures to be like, man, if we got to here, yeah, then we can we have this will be another picture that we look at 10 years from now, saying like, man, look at what they went through. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:11:07

Okay, so these the last few questions we're gonna uh roll out. Um this one's gonna be for people that's either in relationships or it could be marriage or whatever. Um, in the midst of a heated back and forth. Um how important is it to take accountability on your own behalf for your role in the uh you know turmoil on the ocean.

SPEAKER_03 2:11:40

I think it's real important, and it again it can help with the makeup of the blowout and even finding the solution to the blowout, like because we have we have one not that long ago, and it happened early in the morning, so it was. Like the timer of the blowout didn't help because I was on my way out the door and he was just getting the day started and he was helping like our daughter get together, get ready for school. So it's like we we didn't have the time to like really hash it out, so we kind of had to cut it at the height of the disagreement. Yeah, but ultimately, by the time I got to work, I was like, okay, I I need to say something. Like I can't just leave this lingering. Where what but you beat me to the punt and you sent me a text saying, you know, I didn't like how it ended, you know, this is where I was coming from, but you know, I was really, this is really what I was trying to say, and ultimately it's not me against you, it's us, and you know, all everything that I knew I had to say. You basically said it. And then I said my piece too, like that was never my intent. And I get the timing of it wasn't perfect because I caught you like just waking up, like you're not. But if I if it was off-putting, you know, I apologize, like again, it just helps again in the making up so that you can then discuss it not so heated, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_01 2:13:19

Like, yeah, yeah, you gotta be able to we hold each other accountable, but we also hold ourselves accountable to the point of like if something falls apart, if we're even if we're having a debate and it and the conversation goes bad, even if I feel like maybe she went too far in it, I still have to be like, what part did I not communicate effectively? Right. At some point, I failed to communicate something, and it's okay to say, like, I failed to communicate something, but it doesn't make me ultimately wrong for what happened now. Right. Your reaction is still your reaction, and that that reaction was wrong. But I also know that maybe if I would have communicated this better, maybe you wouldn't have reacted that way, maybe you would have. But I still know that I communicated wrong because I can look back on it and say, ah, I didn't give enough context, or ah, I didn't say enough, or I I I was thinking this, but I said this. And so I can still have accountability for myself. Um, and I think that's what she was saying. It was like, you know, we both kind of, you know, she left that morning, and I was like, eh, I don't really like how that worked out. I'm like, Yeah. But I also know, like, I I knew I didn't like her response, but also knew I was like, I don't think I I gave the best my best in that situation either.

SPEAKER_03 2:14:44

And so, um, in that situation, you know, our daughter was there too, because again, she's up getting ready for the morning. So it's almost like an added layer of, hey, I'm just letting you know this is between mommy and daddy. This has nothing to do with you. Like, you're not the cause, you're not the focus of this. Right. This is just between mommy and daddy. So, because she's sitting there like, Well, I she again, she's she's hearing what we're saying and she's trying to put process what we're going through. Yeah, and it's just like, hold on. Before this is nothing to do with you, this is between mommy and daddy.

SPEAKER_01 2:15:20

Yeah, right. And kind of accountability is just so important. You gotta have um a level of consciousness to be able to identify your role. What would what would what did you do? What did you say? And sometimes it's nothing. Sometimes it's like, hey, I didn't, I said this the best way I could. I you know I'm saying, um, and it could be body language, it could be anything. Was I, you know, like, you know, so it's all those things. It's like I could have been trying to give you fair criticism, but I did it with like a look on my face. I did it with my my body was kind of sitting in a judging way, like, and we don't think about those things, but they they all play a role. And so, um, you know, there are times I've been like, why are you looking like that? And she like, oh no, I'm not looking like that. I'm like, way you were looking made me feel like you was, you know what I'm saying? And so it's all those things. So yeah, accountability is very, very, very huge. If if you want any relationship to thrive, to be able to say, hey, even if it's for my friends, it's like being able to say, bro, I messed up, bro. I fell short, my bad. You know what I'm saying? Hey, that was on me. Like, you know, I could have did this, I could have did that, you know what I'm saying? So those things are huge.

SPEAKER_00 2:16:38

Yeah, okay. How important is it to do homework on your partner? And when I say do homework, I mean in its entirety, like just knowing the love languages, not just loving them the way you want to, but the way they want you to love them. Right. Um, knowing how to read the room when it's seasons of them being in their feelings, like just emotional roller coasters, uh, you know, just all of that, knowing how to diffuse situations, just really getting to understand and having the patience. How important is that to do that type of homework when it's you know you're trying to build that unit or a unity with that other person?

SPEAKER_03 2:17:31

Uh I think it's really important. I think in the long run, it'll save you a lot of energy if you just take the time to do the homework.

SPEAKER_01 2:17:40

Like I know that was hard for you in the beginning. What do you mean? The homework part. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:17:49

Wait, wait, wait. Well, this stuff would go past, like you just I think it again, that's you don't even notice that's what you're talking about, like getting out of yourself enough to then be like, okay, right, this might be how I naturally think. So these are the things that I naturally will pick up on. But outside of that, it does take extra effort to then learn how to pick up on other stuff that's just not like how you process stuff. Right. So that part, yes, was challenging. Like there are certain things, again, like with Vince, based on how I naturally observe and process, oh, I picked up on it. I knew about there was a lot of stuff I missed too, though, because I wasn't looking at stuff outside of that. Like Vince would be like, I literally tell you it. And then it would be just because I don't naturally think that way, it didn't like connect in my mind to remember it. So he would be telling me stuff, and then when the opportunity came for me to like be thoughtful or surprising with something, I could never think of like something simple to do. But he's really good at that. We could be sitting in casual conversation, I just say something, but he'll remember the very thing I said. Meanwhile, I don't even remember saying it. But the next time I meet up with him, he got the thing I said.

SPEAKER_00 2:19:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:19:15

And he's just like, I'm just looking for you to literally, literally just do the same thing. And I'm just like, my mind doesn't naturally think that way. But that's something I had to develop. It's just listen to what it's not that I don't listen, but I have to make the effort to remember it too. So, like what I had to do in the beginning was he would be saying stuff, and I would have to remind myself, okay, you have to remember like what he's saying, because he does that naturally. He's just really good at that. And I would like put it in my phone. I just put a little note real quick. So then the next time, I'm like, here you go. He's like, Oh, you remembered. I said I like blase blah. Whether it's like the wrestling game, 2K, all that. I'll be like, Yes, I remembered. It's just because naturally those aren't things that I'm interested in. So it just doesn't click for me to be like, oh, let me keep an eye on when the next 2K about to drop, or let me keep an eye on when you know wrestling about to drop, or let me keep an eye on like just even with like the anniversary that you talked about when I took you to the Pistons game and then got because that was the last game that Kobe Bryant would be playing, but it took so much effort for me to remember all that. Because again, I don't naturally keep up with that.

SPEAKER_01 2:20:32

Well too, you needed the infinity stones to make that happen.

SPEAKER_03 2:20:36

That and even like your birthday last year, just simple, simple conversation. Yeah, like, oh yeah, I really like you know Ali Sidik, you know, he's really funny. And I'm like, okay, let me write this down before I forget. Let me because again, I'm I'm not naturally listening to like comedians like that. That's something that's important to you, though. And that was an opportunity. So I'm like, okay, let me start looking it up and seeing when he's coming to Detroit. And it's just the timing of it, he was, and it was around your birth. So we again, I was able to make that work, but again, that's you're naturally good at that, and I'm not.

SPEAKER_01 2:21:11

Yeah, I mean, I think that's just be that's again, I think everything is about the experiences you have in life. And so one of my mentors, um, and I was chill, I really this crazy because he told me this as like a lesson, and now I literally share it with other people as a lesson. But remember he said, man, he was like, Man, I I literally um his his wife's name is Camille, and he says, I take Camille Ology every day. And I was like, huh? He's like, Man, I'm always in school, I'm still in class. He's like, I'm always in Camille Ology one-on-one every day. And he was like, because I'm always learning my wife. He's like, I'm always having to repay attention, re-reboot it. Every day is I I have to learn something new and I'm I'm figuring something out, or I'm realizing that she loved those shoes. Now she don't love them shoes, she loves these shoes, and now you know, she goes, Oh, she was okay with going out in a hoodie and a hair wrap. Now she don't like it, she didn't move, she gotta get it. He's like, I'm just learning her every day. I I never stopped learning her, and I that always stuck with me about having a partner is I have to actively pay attention to you every day because the slightest thing can change, and if I don't catch it, I don't know you anymore. I lose track of you. It's like it's like an old uh an old version of something, and you know what I'm saying? So um you you definitely want to always constantly be in um that state of trying to figure that, and I guess that's why I do so well with like friendships because I'm always checking in with my friends. Yeah, I know, oh, okay, you know, like again, bro and I have had many talks, and I've told him, like, oh bro, like I remember when you was here, now you here, like, that's so dope. But I won't, I don't know that if I'm not tapped in back then, and I don't notice the change if I'm not tapped in now to realize there's a difference here. So it's like that is the thing, is just constantly being open to knowing that you have to learn your partner every day. You have to actively go to school and be this oh, you you like parents. One of the things she noticed is that I eat my food in order. You give me a burger and fries, I mean all the fries before the burger. Man, you give me you give me a plate of mixed stuff and go eat it in a circle or something. Like I'll go.

SPEAKER_03 2:23:31

Section by section.

SPEAKER_01 2:23:32

He doesn't mix stuff, and I'm like, but that's something that if you don't pay attention to me, you don't even notice that.

SPEAKER_03 2:23:38

When I make his plate, okay, the cornbread cannot be on the plate because the juices will touch the cornbread. Then he's gonna learn the cornbread. Or I just need to put the greens in a bowl and put all everything else I could then put on the plate.

SPEAKER_01 2:23:52

But that's learning, you get what I'm saying? That's learning your partner, like knowing their little nuances. Yeah, and that's how a partner feels special. Not just because you know, like, oh, you love Jordans, but you know what pair of Jordans I will put on every day. You know my go-to Jordans, you know, my celebrate, you know, these are my special Jordans, you know which ones you everything, knowing how I like things set up when I come home, knowing how I like to do things, or oh, this is your favorite chair, you sit here all the time. So I'm gonna put your stuff over here just because that's where you sit. Like all that stuff, like that stuff you don't you don't get it if you're not paying attention every moment of the day to see your partner in real time doing things, and and so um, yeah, that's just how I've learned the importance of that so that my partner knows one, I'm always watching you. I haven't got so comfortable with you that I stopped watching. I'm not just you know waiting for the next season, I'm going back and watching old episodes of you to see how you've tried, you know, you've trans uh transpired. So yeah, I think that's super important, you know. Know your partner, definitely tap in with them and and stay connected. Stay connected, stay curious, stay curious. Ask questions, always stay curious, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:25:14

Okay, so how two-part question how important is it to boost your partner's self-esteem? And what is the greatest thing that P said to you that boosted your self-esteem and vice versa?

SPEAKER_01 2:25:34

Um definitely, definitely important to uh gash a partner up, you know what I'm saying, and and and motivate them, encourage them, inspire them, you know what I'm saying? Um because we need it as people in general. You know what I'm saying? I I I've had again some of the greatest conversations I've had with people, or like I talked about um on part two about Miss Smith, you know what I'm saying, saying something that was super impactful. You never know when somebody needs to hear the thing, the very thing that you say. Um so it's super important. I think one of the greatest things Paris has ever said to me, she is a woman of few words. So I'm laughing. That list isn't long. If I did, it must have been like that list isn't long dang.

SPEAKER_03 2:26:35

It must have been something important if I didn't. It must have yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like verbally tell you it. It must have been.

SPEAKER_01 2:26:42

No, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 2:26:43

No, it's oh you really, really need it to be.

SPEAKER_01 2:26:47

No, for sure.

SPEAKER_03 2:26:48

No, I I think um Well, how do you even curse someone that's self-motivated? Like, I feel like you're so self-motivated. So if I did say something, you must have really needed the motive.

SPEAKER_01 2:26:59

No, for sure, for sure. No, I think um I think one of the things that I honestly one of the things that Pierce has told me, and it's very simple, but um, there was a time she told me she was proud of me. Um, and she might have said that a lot of times about a lot of different things, but in this case, she was saying it. Um and I had been really hard on myself. I had been really just like, you know, beating myself up about a lot of things. Um, and you know, she just had to really encourage me, and you know, it's it's not so much that she said she was proud of me. I think it was more so that it's how she said it, or it's the fact that when she said it, um I knew she wasn't trying to just say it for the sake of like, oh, let me say something to make him feel better. I I knew she genuinely was trying to say, like, no, I am proud of you. Like, if nobody else is, I'm proud of you, you know, and and it I think a lot of times um I am always seeking or or or trying to work to gain my wife's um admiration or approval and make sure that she she feels proud about who she's with. You know what I'm saying? And so um for her to to say that kind of was like a a weight lifting of being able to know that sometimes I think as men we put so much pressure on ourselves, and and granted, rightfully so, to some degree, but there's a lot of times, man, when you're trying to do right by your family, you're trying to do right by your partner, you're trying to do right by your kids, you're trying to do right by your friends, your society, yourself, and a lot of times you don't know who's happy with what you're doing. You don't know if your kids are happy with you, your partner's happy with you, your family's happy with you. So for your partner who knows you the most to kind of be like, no, hey, listen, I'm proud of you. I I think you're doing a great job, you know, even when you feel like you might not be doing the best job. For her to say that, um, I needed that. Um, because again, sometimes things can go unsaid. You could do so much for your household. You run and doing this and make sure the kids get this and dinner cooked and woot-doop. And sometimes you don't know if people appreciate all of the energy you put out. And so um for her to just be in that moment and be like, no, listen, you do this and you do this, and you do this, and this, and you find a way to make this, I'm proud of. You know, it was just like, man, okay, cool. Alright, cool. I feel validated in that moment. You know what I'm saying? Because a lot of it can just go unsaid or unseen. Um, and so yeah, that that's that's my thing for me.

SPEAKER_03 2:30:02

Uh, I was gonna add to what you said that uh I think it's important to encourage your partner or let them know how they're doing because it's really easy to just get used to them doing it, or you just get used to doing the thing. Sure. That sometimes, like you said, you don't feel like it's acknowledged or appreciated. Yeah. Um, so I think it is important um to just take the moment to say every now and again, or as often as you can, you know, like, hey, I appreciate that you sack or whatever sacrifice you had to make to do this. Right. You know, I appreciate it. Or like I oftentimes tell him, like, I don't know, or if it's something I know again, it's not something that's natural, or it's not his favorite thing to do. I'll I'll try to make that extra effort to be like, hey, I know you don't prefer this, but I appreciate you trying to do it. I appreciate it that you gave the attempt to do it. Like, it's it's not lost on me that this takes even more for you to do because this is something that I normally handle, but I thank you for helping me because I couldn't get to it this time. But um trying to think what's something that Vincent said to me outside of all the things that he normally has to encourage me about a lot of times. I again I feel like even though he's hard on himself, I'm I'm hard on myself more. I just think naturally I'm just more hard on myself. Yeah, but um outside of that, again, he just I think you and what what happened was you were just encouraging me to be confident in the decision I made, like to just stand on my decision. And you were just like, at the end of the day, it's not don't try to do something you think will impress me, or again, don't think about like making it out of obligation, the decision. Like, really sit with yourself and see how it makes you feel and make your decision and just be proud of the decision, like don't go back and forth because again, I get caught up in the pros and the cons sometimes, and then a lot of the times I end up thinking myself out of doing the thing, and he was just encouraging me through that moment, like, hey, just sit with yourself and really think about okay, well, if you do this, will you be proud of that? And if you don't, will you be like just make the decision? And I support you basically, and whatever decision you make.

SPEAKER_00 2:32:50

Yeah, okay. Last question of the night. What advice would you give a couple that's in a severely toxic relationship, but they wanna grow, they just don't know how they in a they at a standstill.

SPEAKER_01 2:33:13

Break up anyway, so don't I was about to say wait, wrap it up anyway, it ain't gonna work, dog. It's it's severe. I would say um go get legit help. That's not you guys. Outside of y'all, yeah like therapy, yeah. Go get some real therapy, like get you a true uh person in the middle who can referee for sure the the conversation and the rounds of conversations you're gonna have to have. So um we did that, yeah, yeah, yeah. We man, tons, tons of again, back to people we trust, but yeah, tons of conversations with other people who refereed our. Thought sometimes I'm like, I think this, I think that, and I feel this, and I you know, I got good brothers who'd have been like, Yeah, that's a little something off with that thinking, though, bro. Have you ever thought that when they get done, I'm like, Alright, you got a point. You know what I'm saying? I I guess I didn't think of it like that. I was feeling how I was feeling, but you know, it's like definitely go get some help. Go get some help. Like, relationships fall apart mostly because people keep it to themselves. They just fight amongst each other, and there's no referee. Every great thing has a referee, sports has referees, boxing has referees. The Olympics has referees, there's referees in everything with a person against a person. So if you are against your person, get a referee.

SPEAKER_03 2:34:50

Uh I would say again, one of the benefits of that is if you're going to therapy, they can better recognize the patterns or the bad patterns in how you're communicating, or again, how you're doing stuff within a relationship, and they can actually give you words and tools to use to kind of combat that, or again, get better at well, hey, y'all have it seems like y'all have this type of communicative style, and this isn't good because of ABCD.

SPEAKER_01 2:35:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:35:23

And this is the better type of communication style, but you'll have to do one, two, three, four. You know, like they can kind of guide you on how to work through and grow and improve on what could be making your relationship toxic. And you know, not just couples therapy, the thing y'all might be interested in individual therapy because it could be something that you as an individual gotta work through yourself.

SPEAKER_01 2:35:49

Yeah, you might need both individual and couples therapy, but it and that's the other great part is that it's like uh somebody and a referee can call you out on your BS. That's right. It's hard to hear your partner call you out on your BS because you know they BS, so you start calling you start calling it back, you know what I'm saying? Like it it you don't do this, well, you don't do this, and you start going back and forth, but a referee can be like, hey, y'all both, you know what I'm saying? Like, and so you you definitely though those things help those type of uh situations and and and and you know quarrels back and forth, and and then um and then again it's it it in the most toxic of situations, it's like remember who you guys are, remember who y'all both were in the beginning. I think people lose sight so much of how good they once were. Remember how good it was, because if it was once good, that means it can get there again if you put the work in. You know what I'm saying? And is that all cases? No, not all cases, but I think for the majority, if you can tap back into that memory of like, man, I was madly in love with you at this point. Maybe I gotta remind myself like what happened along the way that made me go from that guy being madly in love to this guy who can't stand you. What happened along the way? Was it me? Was it you? Was it us? Was it this? Was it that? Was it these things? Let me figure it out. But if I can go at least pinpoint a moment of happiness, then I can follow that trail to the unhappiness and figure it out. But definitely go go get some help and um be um willing to let that referee be the person who gets you guys correct. Like, you know, a lot of times people go to therapy and then they want to they want the therapist to be on their side, right, right. And it's like, no, you let the let the referee be the referee. Let them call a foul when a foul is there, whether you agree with that file or not.

SPEAKER_00 2:38:00

Let them call a fair game.

SPEAKER_01 2:38:01

Let them call a fair game, you know what I'm saying? So, um, and I think those things, uh, that that that'll help greatly. Yeah, I forgot what I was gonna say. Oh, dang.

SPEAKER_03 2:38:13

I was gonna say, ultimately, it does just help to have someone who's not in the relationship tell you, like, okay, this is what I hear when you're talking about this, or this is what I hear when you talk about that. Because again, like he said, oftentimes you're in debate, you really don't hear the other person at a certain point. You just you listen to respond, but not listen to you're not taking anything in. And a lot of the times, you know, in therapy, they'll help you pace through those discussions and debates so that you could take a pause to then say, Well, what do you what did you hear them say? And then if you say so, okay, see, you were just listening for a response. You were at so they can kind of cope you through how to walk through those things. But the other thing I was gonna say, I remember now is like you said, remembering the why.

SPEAKER_01 2:39:05

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 2:39:06

Of the relationship. Yes. As you go through like the difficult, toxic time, remember the why.

SPEAKER_01 2:39:13

For sure. Oh for sure. Yeah, and and and I will say also be mindful of the content you take in. If you beefing and you watching people talk about they man ain't this, and they you 50-50 split it up, what's a table that of course you your energy is always gonna stay at defense mode. You would never want to forgive if all you hear is other people not forgiving. So it's like be mindful of the content you you take in. I think for us, one of the things that has helped us over the last two years is we started watching that show couples therapy because we started watching couples in therapy have issues that reminded us of some of our issues, and then watching a therapist help them work it out, and then we're discussing about them, but it also brings it back to us because we start being like, Man, I I agree with him, but why do you agree with him? Well, I feel like she did this, and then she's like, But what did you what did you think about her point? She did that, and I'm like, Oh, I didn't think about it. So now we start talking about us, and so we were watching healthy people, we're watching bad situations become healthy while also discussing ours and making it become healthy as well, versus us watching people on you know social media or on YouTube or whatever, and they girl, he ain't didn't this. She like, see, she she getting affected.

SPEAKER_03 2:40:36

I'm watching real red pills like go out there and because in the thick of it, that's all I could hear on his phone. He just watching these.

SPEAKER_01 2:40:43

I'm like, if he don't turn that off, you in the thick of it watching videos about love yourself, choose you first, yeah. But then you're wondering why you why you still at odds because you're feeding yourself, you gassing up the wrong stuff. So it's like we be mindful of the content that you're even taking in, because it will ultimately start to guide you down a direction of whatever you're listening to. You know what I'm saying? And and and there's nothing wrong with hearing those type of perspectives, but if that's all you're taking in, it's just the bad version of somebody else's story, and not seeing other people actually work it out or seeing other people figure out healthier ways, and you just taking in the drama mess of it, then it's like, yeah, of course you go be more inclined to be like, yeah, I'm done with this. Cause yeah, that's that's the energy they're giving over there. So, you know, for us it was watching actual couples in therapy on couples therapy, and watching them actually have to talk it out and work it out made us more interested in like how does that apply to us, you know what I'm saying? And and and why do why you know can we find ourselves in their situation and figure out something? So, yeah, man, be mindful of that too.

SPEAKER_00 2:41:58

Yeah, well, I gotta say, this has been a super dope episode. Yeah, I appreciate both of y'all for coming through yet again. The dialogue always on point. So, you know what I'm saying? This is really like one of them ones where it's just like you can't duplicate it. You know what I'm saying? You can't, you can't duplicate this one at all. Not at all. Um we done came through and cooked for a third straight time. And we've been cooking off the mic, left hand, no faking, you know what I'm saying? You feel me? So, you know what I'm saying? How did y'all feel about these questions this time? And was it well worth the wait?

SPEAKER_03 2:42:40

Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 2:42:41

Yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:42:45

Yeah, no, I mean, I yeah, man, I don't very thought provoking. I'm not sure how many times I've y'all I've said it on the pod. I know I said it a lot of times off the pod, man, but for those listening, like, bro, has been doing a phenomenal job getting way just, I mean, your growth. You continue to just get better at this, and um I you know, you doing it without notes not. You just sitting over there, like, you know, and again, I remember, like, man, when I when I clicked to me like that, and I'm like, I just gotta listen and the questions go come to me. Like, man, facts. So, bro, you just man, continue to keep doing your thing, bro. I'm proud of you, man. Like, appreciate it. And we ain't, you know, we appreciate you even um having us three times and you know, just digging deeper and deeper into the conversations because um I I think even in us doing this, it's also stuff like that has also us having to like talk about certain things has um really opened up things for us. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like, because I think even recently was like, you know, when I was on, I think it was on the very first one, I was kind of breaking down things about my my stepdad. She was like, you know, you've explained it, but when you said it on the pile, she was like, you kind of explained it in ways that like I didn't I never even thought about it, like that you shared. Like, and so it's allowed us to have some really better off-mic conversations at home that um has really sparked great things. So it's like, man, appreciate you for even having us on three times and and and asking us these great questions, bro. You know, keep doing your thing, man.

SPEAKER_00 2:44:25

Oh, yeah, for sure. Appreciate it, appreciate it. And if I cook up some more shit, part four. You know what I'm saying? Nah, they're gonna be like, what in the world? I don't give a damn, you know what I'm saying? He's talking about man, listen, y'all gonna keep getting this same couple. Hey, this is educational purposes. So the dialogue is second to none. So, you know what I'm saying? Like, yeah, bro, the level of comfortability that I have on the mic at this point is crazy. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. Me to even be able to have a calm mind, silence the thoughts, and just be able to flow and content coming to me as we talking, and I'm just like, damn, I remember when I used to be too nervous and stumbling over my words, and you know what I'm saying? Right. Gotta keep on, even when we did like uh Dophotus or other stuff, and it would be like, I look at my my uh script and then forget as soon as I turn my phone off. Like so it's like just the growth, but I'm like, it's just like anything else in life. You just gotta work at it. You know what I'm saying? That's it, yeah. When you keep falling off your bike, you know, as a kid, you want to keep getting on the bike to just, I'm gonna get this. Right. We gotta take everything in life like that. Like, yeah, yeah. Just because you didn't get it right the first 50 times, just you probably fell off your bike 50 times or 100 times, but you kept going. Right for sure. Yeah, that's just the mindset that I done took with this. Like, okay, this is what I really wanna do. I'll be just driving and just doing my regular day-to-day and just pod it and keep coming to me. Like, I'm like, that's what I gotta do. I'm talking too much anyway. I might as well, you know what I'm saying? I'm preaching everywhere I go. Somebody asked me how the day is going. Well, it depends who you asking. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not just giving a regular flat answer. So I'm just like, you know what I'm saying? I'm I'm the I'm getting my reps in. I appreciate, you know what I'm saying, the platform yet again. I appreciate y'all presence yet again. And let the people know, once again, plug y'all pod so they can know where to find y'all at.

SPEAKER_01 2:46:40

Yeah, definitely, man. On the maturity productions network, man, available on all podcasting platforms. That's your Apple, that's your Spotify, your iHeart, your Deezer. You know what I'm saying? You can follow us, man. The uh for better or worse, and then some uh podcasts, you know what I'm saying. Again, on the maturity productions network. You type that in, you find all these podcasts. Ours, uh therapy in motion, the not very mature podcast with Cheese of Fierce. Like you find multiple uh podcasts under this platform. So uh definitely tap in with King OJ, tap in with us, uh tap in with Cheese of Fierce. Definitely got great pie.

SPEAKER_00 2:47:18

Bet that, bet that. I'm King Go J. They Vince in Paris, you know it. This is Therapy in Motion. Hey, and it's couples uh couples therapy edition. We about to get on up out of here until next time. We out.